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Dear Mom

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Dear mom, I haven’t written to you in a while. I guess I just wanted to say what’s on my mind this morning. I have been in bed pretty much all morning and I started to get ready to go for my daily walk. However, my headphones were dead. So, here I am waiting listening to music and letting my mind wonder off. You know the other day I was actually proud of myself. I decided to make a decision to end being a Sugar Baby. Admittingly, it ate at me because that isn’t who I am and I spiraled because I was scared to lose my money, I worked hard to save. However, I concluded that I would rather have my dignity and gamble, losing everything. I am still actively looking for a job and I have two possibilities. Though, as we know, just because they say they like me it doesn’t mean I will get the job. I wish I could have known you longer. What I remember of you and what others say, you sound like one hell of a force to be reckoned with. You were passionate, kind, smart, encouraging, sacrificin...
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Losing My Senses

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I can’t breathe; there isn’t enough oxygen. I can’t stand; I’m losing my footing. I can’t see; I’m losing focus. I can’t think; there is too much noise. I can’t hear; everyone is talking. I can’t taste; life seems so dull. I can’t feel; I’m shutting down.
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Questioning How I Express Myself

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I woke up this morning thinking about if I regret writing certain things in my blog. I was questioning myself and then I came across how this woman posts every day on Facebook. The good, the bad and the ugly unapologetically. She spoke about how raw and real it is despite what others may think. Yes, of course I have doubts. Well, every day to be completely honest. However, as doubt tries to persuade me in many directions, I need to continue to tell my truth even if it’s scary or if others reject me. I am learning that rejection from others isn’t nearly as painful as rejecting myself. Hopefully, what I express on here provokes curiosity vs judgement. Though, I am not the deciding factor on how anyone perceives me.
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Learning How To Play Chess

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Learning how to play chess. A smile slowly creeps up. A possible opportunity. Wait. Wrong move. My turn comes up again. I take a pawn. Critical thinking is necessary. Desperation is starting to dissipate. There is hope. Slowly gaining control. Now, I am cornered with one piece left. What’s my move? Keep performing a dance I can’t dance? I chose to surrender with dignity and try again.
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Taking Back Control

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 I said no but you kept pursuing. Worn down and trapped. I said I didn’t like it, you said it was fine. I wasn’t getting through. Thoughts dismissed, replaced with hesitation. The pressure is heavy. I was in a strange place, manipulating the scene. Coercion is not consent. As I reflect on this poem in the context of my life and other’s experiences, I realize how common it is to downplay what really happened. Victims blame themselves. Shame, fear, and embarrassment are involved. Not recognizing what happened due to manipulation and pressure. Then you add trauma responses to the situation and that can affect how someone remembers or even talks about it. I want to remind anyone that has ever experienced this, it has nothing to do with your intellect. Admittingly, I have downplayed my own experiences for various reasons. I remember I told my friend David about some of the experiences, but I kept downplaying it because I already felt weak and defeated. I felt dumb that...
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Battleship

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I was watching small clips of carrot in a box game and as I was laughing it reminded me of when my ex and I played Battleship. For the 10 years we were together he never beat me. Not once. I started reminiscing and giggling to myself about how sometimes he thought I was cheating because I would just massacre his ship quickly. It was a random but significant memory for me. I guess I just wanted to write down a happy memory today because it’s been so gloomy lately.
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Childless Woman

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Lately I have been thinking of my dad. I think part of it is because of the people I meet, what is said and not said. I’ve met people that talk about how they want to have a family or ones that are already established one. Both are amazing to want and to have. However, I am in a different category. I can’t and don’t want children for various reasons. I think about how my very existence disgusted my father. He wrote me a few letters stating how he wished I was never born or I wasn’t his child. I was about 12-13 years old when he would write me letters of disgust towards me. He also stated once that he felt anger that everyone but him received money to have me. He was referring to my mom and my different foster homes. Actually, one of my foster mom’s did a similar thing. I was about 16 years old walking past her office and I over her talking to someone on the phone. She stated, “I need more foster kids I am making a lot of money.” I never told her even to this day that I overheard what...
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