JhonRae's Blog

Today I went for my daily walk. In the park, I noticed a wellness gathering of some sort. After my walk I decided to join with no expectation but rather curiosity. I want to share the guided meditation I did while sitting in the grass and soaking up the sun. I closed my eyes and my mind drifted. I was standing in the park and as I looked down, I saw $100 in the grass. I started to walk towards $100 until I noticed a little girl in the distance walking towards me. As she approached closer, I saw it was my younger self. She looked peaceful. Now, I had a choice to pick up the $100 or walk with my younger self. I chose to walk with her leaving the $100 behind. We went and sat on a swinging bench laughing. We didn’t have much to say to each other because we already understood one another. We just enjoyed each other’s company while swinging in the sun. I looked to my right, and I saw my mom, uncle Jerome and Kitty watching us. They too were smiling towards us as Kitty sat there looking w...

Dear mom, I haven’t written to you in a while. I guess I just wanted to say what’s on my mind this morning. I have been in bed pretty much all morning and I started to get ready to go for my daily walk. However, my headphones were dead. So, here I am waiting listening to music and letting my mind wonder off. You know the other day I was actually proud of myself. I decided to make a decision to end being a SB. Admittingly, it ate at me because that isn’t who I am and I spiraled because I was scared to lose my money, I worked hard to save. However, I concluded that I would rather have my dignity and gamble, losing everything. I am still actively looking for a job and I have two possibilities. Though, as we know, just because they say they like me it doesn’t mean I will get the job. I wish I could have known you longer. What I remember of you and what others say, you sound like one hell of a force to be reckoned with. You were passionate, kind, smart, encouraging, sacrificing, stron...

I can’t breathe; there isn’t enough oxygen. I can’t stand; I’m losing my footing. I can’t see; I’m losing focus. I can’t think; there is too much noise. I can’t hear; everyone is talking. I can’t taste; life seems so dull. I can’t feel; I’m shutting down.

I woke up this morning thinking about if I regret writing certain things in my blog. I was questioning myself and then I came across how this woman posts every day on Facebook. The good, the bad and the ugly unapologetically. She spoke about how raw and real it is despite what others may think. Yes, of course I have doubts. Well, every day to be completely honest. However, as doubt tries to persuade me in many directions, I need to continue to tell my truth even if it’s scary or if others reject me. I am learning that rejection from others isn’t nearly as painful as rejecting myself. Hopefully, what I express on here provokes curiosity vs judgement. Though, I am not the deciding factor on how anyone perceives me.

Learning how to play chess. A smile slowly creeps up. A possible opportunity. Wait. Wrong move. My turn comes up again. I take a pawn. Critical thinking is necessary. Desperation is starting to dissipate. There is hope. Slowly gaining control. Now, I am cornered with one piece left. What’s my move? Keep performing a dance I can’t dance? I chose to surrender with dignity and try again.

 I said no but you kept pursuing. Worn down and trapped. I said I didn’t like it, you said it was fine. I wasn’t getting through. Thoughts dismissed, replaced with hesitation. The pressure is heavy. I was in a strange place, manipulating the scene. Coercion is not consent. As I reflect on this poem in the context of my life and other’s experiences, I realize how common it is to downplay what really happened. Victims blame themselves. Shame, fear, and embarrassment are involved. Not recognizing what happened due to manipulation and pressure. Then you add trauma responses to the situation and that can affect how someone remembers or even talks about it. I want to remind anyone that has ever experienced this, it has nothing to do with your intellect. Admittingly, I have downplayed my own experiences for various reasons. I remember I told my friend David about some of the experiences, but I kept downplaying it because I already felt weak and defeated. I felt dumb that...