JhonRae's Blog

About a week ago I told someone I love rubies as they are my favorite stone. I’ve always wanted a real ruby. Well, yesterday evening I said f-it and got a ring. It may not be “responsible” of me to buy something expensive in the time I need a job and money. However, I came to realize that I worked hard for the money I saved as I watch it dwindle. I worked hard for my master’s degree as I continuously get rejected. I worked hard to have a home and lost it to blind faith that I was investing in another. I figured if life keeps going in this direction, I will end up homeless, but I will still have something I always wanted. So, here I say f***to being responsible. I want to enjoy something no one can take away from me.

Dear mom, My anxiety hasn’t gone away. Maybe it never will. I feel a sense of worthlessness every day. I have been trying to distract myself but as we both know distractions are just that, just a distraction. The other day in therapy I cried so hard and I told my therapist I don’t like crying in front of people. When he asked me why, I cried even harder. I couldn’t get my words out right away. As tears ran down my face, I explained to him my dad used to make fun of me slamming the door in my face. I never really felt comfortable around others when I cried after living with him. I feel like even now many people are not genuine when they are trying to “comfort” me. I am not naive I know when someone is trying to “comfort” me in a selfish manner vs when they authentically care. I may be traumatized but many truths live at the same time. Mom, I don’t know how to keep moving forward or even have the energy to do so. I have been ignoring my mail, distancing myself from others to some cap...

Have you ever felt like no matter where you go and who you meet, you just don’t belong? I feel that nearly every day. My friend Daniel asked me the other day “why are you so kind? You had such a hard life.” I responded by saying “I must be crazy.” Then I asked him the same question and he said, “it’s easy to be mean but it’s harder to be kind.” As I sit here crying and reflecting on what he said, he is right, it’s easy to be mean and it takes so much effort to be kind in a world that is so harsh. All I ever wanted was to be loved as I have tried to love others. I’m starting to believe I am not worth loving. When people come across me all they see is a broken woman. Not denying that I had a good share of hurt but I like to think I have things to offer and that maybe someone would think I am worth the time and investment. Whether it’s family, friends, neighbors, places of work or romantically. So, I guess for anyone feeling alone in a world that keeps trying to take you down; you’re no...

I wanted to acknowledge it’s my dog’s birthday this month. He will be 10 years old! It’s been about two months since the last time I got to see him. I miss him dearly and think about him every day. I miss being rowdy and playful with him. Bruno has endless energy. Playfulness is his whole being and I hope that he is doing well and that he is getting all the love and treats he can get. I wish I could see him and let him know I love him to the ends of the earth. It hurts because I know we all lost each other in different ways. Brandon, Kitty and Bruno were my family. A family I will never forget. Bruno, I am sorry I am not there and I know that you feel it as I do too. Love you with all my heart and soul.

I wanted to share some dreams I had of my uncle Jerome over the past few years. I want to be able to look back and remember how special they were to me. 1 st dream was sometime after his passing. I would dream he was sitting beside my bed watching over me. It was unspoken love and reassurance that he was okay. Again, it was a realistic dream because I remember I had my eyes open and seeing my room, but he was there watching me. It did bring me some peace of mind that I did do what I could for him. 2 nd dream I started walking up a long staircase and, on each side, there was a bunch of people lined up against the wall. Again, no one spoke. However, I knew they were people he had touched in some fashion. They were all there to show me how impactful he truly was. As I finally started to make it to the top of the stairs. I asked, “where’s my uncle.” They just looked down towards the hallway, and I saw him walking in silence. He had his hands behind his back as he slowly shuffled his ...

I had some issues last night. Feeling lightheaded and weak with a strange sensation running throughout my body. I feel that right now. That is the reality of having epilepsy. Also, I had such a strange out-of-body dream. I knew I was sleeping but I stood up and staired into my living room. I heard a man’s voice that sounded like my dad. I remember feeling frightened and uneasy. I just stood there staring. I don’t know how long from the time I stood there scared to waking up in my bed in a panic. It was early in the morning around 3 or 4 when I officially woke up. After I woke up in a panic, I still felt scared and turned on my light for the remainder of the morning. I used to do this as a kid at my dad’s house. I would be so panicked that I slept with the light on all night and still always woke up scared. I also used to sleepwalk, and I think the last time I did I was in my early 20’s when I was living at Life House for homeless youth. To be completely honest I forgot I used to do...