JhonRae's Blog

I wanted to share some dreams I had of my uncle Jerome over the past few years. I want to be able to look back and remember how special they were to me. 1 st dream was sometime after his passing. I would dream he was sitting beside my bed watching over me. It was unspoken love and reassurance that he was okay. Again, it was a realistic dream because I remember I had my eyes open and seeing my room, but he was there watching me. It did bring me some peace of mind that I did do what I could for him. 2 nd dream I started walking up a long staircase and, on each side, there was a bunch of people lined up against the wall. Again, no one spoke. However, I knew they were people he had touched in some fashion. They were all there to show me how impactful he truly was. As I finally started to make it to the top of the stairs. I asked, “where’s my uncle.” They just looked down towards the hallway, and I saw him walking in silence. He had his hands behind his back as he slowly shuffled his ...

I had some issues last night. Feeling lightheaded and weak with a strange sensation running throughout my body. I feel that right now. That is the reality of having epilepsy. Also, I had such a strange out-of-body dream. I knew I was sleeping but I stood up and staired into my living room. I heard a man’s voice that sounded like my dad. I remember feeling frightened and uneasy. I just stood there staring. I don’t know how long from the time I stood there scared to waking up in my bed in a panic. It was early in the morning around 3 or 4 when I officially woke up. After I woke up in a panic, I still felt scared and turned on my light for the remainder of the morning. I used to do this as a kid at my dad’s house. I would be so panicked that I slept with the light on all night and still always woke up scared. I also used to sleepwalk, and I think the last time I did I was in my early 20’s when I was living at Life House for homeless youth. To be completely honest I forgot I used to do...

I'm I unreasonable in a reasonable world? Or do I live in a unreasonable world as I am reasonable?  Most of the time I ponder this and I am starting to come to the conclusion that it's all in perspective. I am both unreasonable and reasonable while also unsure at the same time. Given so much that has happened and continues to happen does the question really matter in the end? It's a battle between endless perspectives and opinions. I am all at once all the things thought and said while simultaneously something unsaid or thought of. I live in an existence with many ideas and concepts beyond true comprehension. 

Brenda, my foster mom, messaged me on October 12 th and asked how I was doing and said she was just checking up on me. You know under “normal” circumstances I wouldn’t mind her messaging me because I would think she actual cared. However, that day was her birthday, and I didn’t say or acknowledge it in any capacity. Out of all the days, weeks, or even months she ironically just wanted to see how I was doing that particular day? Then the next day I got a missed call from my dad and heard his voice mail. I didn’t even bother calling him back. I am literally sick of people thinking something is “wrong” with me and making me feel like I am “crazy.” The only damn reason she reached out is because I didn’t acknowledge her birthday and it’s just a sick game. It is so easy for them to leave me out or forget about me when it comes to “family” gatherings, events, celebrations, and vacations. However, when it’s their time and I don’t acknowledge them, I am the one unstable or I am someone they...

To my ex, If you ever happen to read this, I want to say I am sorry for my broken heart. However, I can’t be sorry for how it broke. My life prior to you was filled with chaos, which I don’t need to tell you, you already know. Then you came along and brought a glimmer of peace into my life. Filled with laughter, love, understanding, compassion, and joy. It also came with misunderstandings, differences in communication, lack of accountability, loss of compassion, love and even possible friendship. I know that I wasn’t perfect, especially in the beginning of our relationship. I had so much anxiety even thinking about trusting you or letting you into my heart. The experiences I had with others I projected on to you. That was and is a continuous lesson I need to learn is that not everyone is unsafe but also not “perfect.” Fast forwarding to the moment I told you I cheated. I told you because I couldn’t bare not telling you what I have done. I like to think I hold myself to a standard...

Accountability is the willingness to accept responsibility. You said he isn’t manly enough. I heard you. You said you wanted a man who makes more money. I heard you. You said you care and want to listen. I see contradictions. You are careless with others boundaries. You expect everyone to honor yours. You want to be seen and heard. I see you demand center of attention. Your expectations are high. I see you expect everyone to conform to you. You are perceived as “unique.” I see it’s just a mask.   He called me crying multiple times because he was confused and hurt. I listened. He disclosed things he can never say to you. I listened. He takes responsibility for your bad behavior. I see manipulation growing. He makes excuses of why you don’t listen. I see gaslighting. He is willing to conform to you no matter what. He is your puppet and you’re the master. He is easily persuaded. I see he manipulates the situation to fit the narrative you want. He is stres...