JhonRae's Blog

I was supposed to get a tattoo, and I was actually very excited because it was offered to me for free and he is a wonderful artist. Funny enough, he was the one that offered to do the tattoo for me. I never asked him. A few days later or so, we were working on the drawing and he said, “maybe we can have sex for a tip.” Honestly, I didn’t call him out on that. I didn’t say anything but rather sat with that comment for a few days or so. I ended up sending him a voice note telling him kindly that I declined the tattoo. I told him I appreciated the offer but also told him that I didn’t appreciate that he asked me for sex. I explained that I am trying to change my life for the better and I felt that he thought he had a window of opportunity because of my vulnerable state of not having income. We never once were intimate and it’s disheartening to me that people take advantage of others even when at first it doesn’t seem like that. I acknowledge that I am not perfect and my situation is n...

Today I got the privilege to celebrate my family friend’s birthday! It brought me joy to make her earrings and see how much she lit up! What a wonderful moment. I wanted to share something that she wrote to me. “I’m deeply grateful we’ve found our way back to each other. Now we get to choose to be honest and share with each other. I’m here, as your chosen sister, and I’m honored to walk with you as you work through all of this. I absolutely adore you, and I love you so much. You are not alone in this, ever.” She messaged me some time ago and wrote that. It truly means the world to me because I told her I felt bad that we got separated due to circumstances. She has all been so kind, genital, understanding, compassionate and supportive. I am truly blessed that we did find our way back to each other. Happy Birthday, soul sister.

I just saw a hummingbird at my window! I live in a big city and did not expect that, especially when no one is allowed any kind of bird feeders at my complex. That was amazing! The moment I saw it I thought of Brandon. I wanted to text/call him to tell him about it. Yesterday was his birthday. I did text him because I wanted to honor the fact he didn’t want to celebrate or anything. I hope he did but part of me doubts it. Last time I saw him I could see defeat in his face. I wanted to hug all his pain away even though we separated and I have unresolved conflict. He told me, “You know you love someone when they make you that upset.” Okay maybe not exact quote but I think I got the idea of it down. Anyways, I agree with that. I agree there is a lot of passion behind it all and I will always love him. To be fully transparent I will never give up on him or walk away. I can only hope someday we can talk about my perception of unresolved conflicts and come to an understanding. Sometime...

I went for a walk the other day and I saw an older gentleman experiencing homelessness crying on the side of the road. Admittingly I was going to keep walking but I decided to approach him. I asked if I could sit with him and we talked for over an hour. Jeff a 61-year-old man told me what was in his heart and what was eating at him. As I was listening to him, I could see the immense pain and anger he felt. Jeff told me “It’s brave of you to come talk to me. Most people wouldn’t.” You know he is right, not a lot of people would. Which is unfortunate. Just because we don’t know someone doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to have community and to be acknowledged. He deserves to be seen even if his reality is different than mine. It’s unfortunate that there is a lot of misunderstanding of why someone is experiencing homelessness. Jeff is struggling with addiction, trauma, and psychosis of some sort. During our conversation I could hear the inconsistency, paranoia, and delusions he was expe...

24 years ago, today on August 12, 2002, my mom passed away in my arms. I was just 11 years old. Something that is forever imprinted into my very soul.   December 5 th , 1994 Again, I’m late-sorry. But I have not forgotten about last week, Nov 30 th . As usually, we had fun, but no order. You were busy with so much from puzzles to puppets. When you read this all by yourself, you must tell me what you remembered and liked doing the most. Lately, you have been telling me what’s in your heart. It all sounds so wonderful that I believe you are an angel from heaven. I am blessed. Mama   I never got a chance to tell her what’s in my heart. I suppose on here I can send it to the universe in hopes someone hears me. Lately, it’s been tough for various reasons. I notice I have extreme lows often to the point I can’t function fully. Today is one of those days. I’ve been in my apartment most of the day thinking about how my life turned out. Cried for some time holding my stuf...

My eldest sister has been messaging me lately and I wanted to write about a dream she shared with me. She told me “You showed up at my house. We hadn’t seen or talked in 10 years. So broken and lonely and scared. You came to me because mom had come to you in a dream and told you to go to your sister she has what you need. She has what your heart needs to heal. You guys need each other. And you came. I woke up right after that. With the urgency to text you. It may be just a dream but I needed to at least tell you are loved, beautiful, and you are not alone.” I wrote this exactly how she messaged me because it’s something I don’t want to forget. Though my sister and I have had many differences and disagreements my heart is always with her. It’s frustrating because I get glimpse of my sister and then it goes away due to mental health or addiction. It’s a different kind of pain and loss when you watch some you love deeply come in and out of reality. I wish I could take all that away fr...