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Self Doubt in the Context of Loss

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 The other day a friend and I were talking about grief expressing how each of us has processed emotions pertaining to loss. They stated, “I wish I could have done more.” I without a second thought said, “you did what you knew and that’s everything.” As the day passed, I realized it was so easy for me to give them more grace than what I could ever give myself. I have been so hard on myself when it comes to all that I have lost throughout the years. I truly never gave myself as much love, compassion, empathy and grace for each of the losses I’ve experienced. I always had doubts that crept up taking away from the true authentic connection I had with each individual or creature. I was so focused on the “what if’s or could be’s.” I couldn’t see past the doubt to realize I did all that I knew in those moments and that was everything.
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I Exist In Many Forms

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I exist in many forms. I am all at once all the things that have been said. I am all the things that I’ve experienced past, present and future. I am. I am the very being that is inside of me. While I am all of everyone and thing. I am unknown and unseen. Yet, I am known and seen. I am. I am a passing thought. I am memory. I am perceived in ways I will never experience. However, I experience. I am.
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Change of Heart

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Today, I cried again thinking about Kitty and how she died and that she isn’t with me in the way I want her to be. I scrolled through pictures of Kitty and Bruno and just sobbed. I think it’s been over 6 months now and I am still grieving. I get flashbacks that keep haunting me. I have keep reminding myself I did what I could for her. Then I feel bad I left Bruno. I just want to hug him tightly for my comfort because he would rather play. Then later today I decided to message to see if I could see him while I was in town. My ex declined but wasn’t rude about it by any means. However, I am confused because last time he stated, “I am not here to gatekeep you from seeing him.” My mind is racing about why he changed his mind. I keep thinking about what I did to provoke this change. Is it because I asked to stop by to say hi to him and Bruno? Is it because the last time he saw me he thought he could handle seeing me? Did I say something wrong? All I could do is say “thank you.” Panic star...
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SUDEP

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This will be my 3 rd post in one day because I apparently have a lot I want to say. I just got back from a walk and reflected as I usually do. I was mostly thinking about epilepsy and how it has impacted my life and so many. I recently learned that someone I knew passed away from complications due to epilepsy. I hate that they ended up being a statistic of SUDEP. Something that I have feared for myself.   August 14th, 2026, Remembering a soul that was kind, giving, creative and wanted to be accepted. To honor and help them pass to the other side learn to make a paper crane. That was their specialty and something they were passionate about.
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Transactional

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I was supposed to get a tattoo, and I was actually very excited because it was offered to me for free and he is a wonderful artist. Funny enough, he was the one that offered to do the tattoo for me. I never asked him. A few days later or so, we were working on the drawing and he said, “maybe we can have sex for a tip.” Honestly, I didn’t call him out on that. I didn’t say anything but rather sat with that comment for a few days or so. I ended up sending him a voice note telling him kindly that I declined the tattoo. I told him I appreciated the offer but also told him that I didn’t appreciate that he asked me for sex. I explained that I am trying to change my life for the better and I felt that he thought he had a window of opportunity because of my vulnerable state of not having income. We never once were intimate and it’s disheartening to me that people take advantage of others even when at first it doesn’t seem like that. I acknowledge that I am not perfect and my situation is n...
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Finding Our Way Back to Each Other

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Today I got the privilege to celebrate my family friend’s birthday! It brought me joy to make her earrings and see how much she lit up! What a wonderful moment. I wanted to share something that she wrote to me. “I’m deeply grateful we’ve found our way back to each other. Now we get to choose to be honest and share with each other. I’m here, as your chosen sister, and I’m honored to walk with you as you work through all of this. I absolutely adore you, and I love you so much. You are not alone in this, ever.” She messaged me sometime ago and wrote that. It truly means the world to me because I told her I felt bad that we were separated due to circumstances. She has all been so kind, genital, understanding, compassionate and supportive. I am truly blessed that we did find our way back to each other. Happy Birthday, soul sister.
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Saw A Hummingbird and Thought of You

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I just saw a hummingbird at my window! I live in a big city and did not expect that, especially when no one is allowed any kind of bird feeders at my complex. That was amazing! The moment I saw it I thought of Brandon. I wanted to text/call him to tell him about it. Yesterday was his birthday. I did text him because I wanted to honor the fact he didn’t want to celebrate or anything. I hope he did but part of me doubts it. Last time I saw him I could see defeat in his face. I wanted to hug all his pain away even though we separated and I have unresolved conflict. He told me, “You know you love someone when they make you that upset.” Okay maybe not exact quote but I think I got the idea of it down. Anyways, I agree with that. I agree there is a lot of passion behind it all and I will always love him. To be fully transparent I will never give up on him or walk away. I can only hope someday we can talk about my perception of unresolved conflicts and come to an understanding. Sometime...
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