JhonRae's Blog

You know the other day I wrote in excitement about how my older sister has possibly changed. Well, I am not going to shame or feel dumb for falling for it. What I wrote was sincere, passionate, hopeful and full of acceptance and love. The other day my nephew called me for the first time concerned about his mom (my sister). He told me what was happening and I drove to them without a second thought. This is what I found out from a few different family members about my sister’s current state of mind. She has not ever been to therapy, she does still drink, smokes, and apparently does take pills not as prescribed. She also is losing any form of connection with all her kids. My niece and I sat down for a while and she told me some horrifying things she is saying and doing while also showing me pictures. Then I spoke to the kid’s dad, and he is fed up with her as well. I don’t blame any of them. My sister has never been “right” in the head for as long as I could remember. Despite all the ...

Are you hard working?  Not enough. Do you have good communication skills? Not enough. Do you have the ability to adapt and possess problem-solving skills? Not enough. Do you have experience? Not enough. Do you have a degree? Not enough. Do you know about trauma informed care? Not enough. What do I know? I know I continue to self-reflect and work on myself even when it’s hard. I know I communicate effectively while knowing that we can disagree and still be professional. I know I continuously have adapted to hard and unpredictable situations personally and professionally. I know I have my master’s degree and I'm a continuous learner. I know that I continuously learn to navigate my own trauma and keep working on myself while learning how to ground myself when I feel like I am fading away. I may not be the “ideal” candidate or interviewee in an interviewer’s eyes. However, I like to think that what I do know is important. What I have experienced is important. Wh...

 I am watching a podcast about how to spot someone that is being fake with you. It really resonated with me in the context of meeting people and my inability to explain why I was or have been put “off” by the individual or group of people. I always just said I just can “sense it” without realizing I was reading micro expressions, mannerism’s, tone, and presents all at once.   Some key factors are “bestie bombing” where someone that gives way too much without knowing you. While this isn’t necessarily a form of manipulation but rather insecurity. Secure individuals don’t attach to you instantly. Then there are over complements where someone proceeds to complement you while at the same time turning their heads. Showing the lack of sincerity and presents of the actual complement. It shows that they are not truly engaged in what they are saying and it’s more just a ritual to them. You’re not getting the real person but the character they want to portray. Then watching out for peo...

Today my eldest sister reached out to me, and I didn’t hesitate to be there. We spoke for four long but good hours over the phone. I noticed a few changes in her that makes me so proud. She acknowledged the hurt she caused without me asking her to. Then she said “I am unstable and I can’t promise if I step out of line at times, but I would like you to tell me nicely when I do. It may take me time to realize it.” That is mothering fucking growth that I knew she was capable of! She's been sober for a few years now and realizes if she even drinks one beer she doesn’t feel right. It sounds to me she is finally working on herself despite health complications she's going through. She has continuously been in therapy for some time, and it sounds like she isn’t quitting on herself. I am so proud of her even if she doesn’t feel great right now. I had the privilege and honor to hear my sister again for who I always hoped and knew she could be. I know it’s going to be a bit chaotic re...

You know I go back and re-read my posts and realize continuous grammar errors. Despite me looking over them, multiple times before posting. Within my writing it exposes my learning difficulties while also expressing my humanity and life experiences. I hope this gives others hope and encouragement that you don’t need to fit in a “box” of any kind to be authentically you. You know if you actually listen to me speak, I tend to struggle with what is called spoonerisms. It’s a speech error that I unintentionally switch words, phrases and vowels around. Sometimes I don’t even realize I do it unless someone points it out to me. I like to write more because I can mindfully (for the most part) catch the errors and express myself in the way that I like to.

Someone posted this saying in a group that I follow. “The deepest pain is not losing someone, it’s realizing they never feared losing you.” This resonated with me deeply and profoundly. To me it speaks to people you thought loved and supported you while they have lacked the ability to see “value” or “worth” in who you are. Causing them to not fear losing you because they didn’t see your worth or value in the first place. Whether this applies to family, friends, romance, or otherwise. I want to preface that rejection isn’t about your actual value or worth but rather the inability to see who you are in all your complexities. I did post this on my social media but modified it to "protect" the ones that may contest to what I am speaking to. Funny, but in my past some of my foster parents encouraged me to write a book about my experiences. To be completely honest they wouldn't like half the things I have to say just as much as my actual family. People like to live blissf...