Posts

Dentist

By -
I went to the dentist today and I was uncountably shaking. The Hygienist grabbed my hands and held them tight. She was trying to calm my nerves which was so sweet of her. This is the second time being there and I have nothing but good things to say about them. I was traumatized by another dentist back in my hometown that I knew messed up badly on my teeth and did damage to them. I felt like I was being gaslight trying to tell others about my pain and what I suspected. The dentist I have gone to twice now confirmed that my pain was real and there was evidence of why I experienced so many issues up to this point. I am in the process of getting what was done fixed and I couldn’t be happier that I found this place. It’s not just because they confirmed my suspicion but the kindness, patience and flexibility to work with me despite my anxiety. I thought I would have to resort to being sedated because I have bad panic attacks. However, I have never once had to do that since I have seen th...
Post a Comment
Read more

Hello I Am Here. Where Are You?

By -
My heart was ripped out and replaced. Replaced with echoing memories of what love was like. I have been searching by the water, under the rocks, looking at the sky, hiking through the woods, greeting animals and meeting new people. Reminisces of love flows through my writing while my body is tense and cautious. How do I love again? I bond others together as I know how important connection is, while I slowly disappear into the fog. My presence slowly fades. Does anyone notice? As I am pushing all of you out of the fog, in return I am sacrificing myself. It’s getting darker. Will anyone take my hand? How do I save myself? I witnessed and experienced immense pain, my tolerance is slowly dwindling. Does my perceived perseverance help guide you? Do you find hope and strength in my trauma? Are my wounds lessons you don’t want to ever bare? Can someone take some of the load. It’s getting heavy. How do I take some of the weight off? I am calling out. Are you listening or just passi...
Post a Comment
Read more

Tell Me What You Think You Know

By -
Tell me what you think you know. Do you think I am pretty enough for you not to wander? Have I added to your life enough to reminisce in the moment? Or does your past still haunt you as it does me? Does my opposition trigger everything you thought you knew? How does one deal? Do you fantasize ideas of who you want me to become? Does my ideology scare you? Does my child like wonder intrigue you? Is that just fascination? Am I a prize or am I valued? Does my questions poke at your ego? Do you like chasing ghosts? I am invisible in comparison to your past. I don’t compete. Does my white skin challenge the narrative of what a Native “should look like?” Don’t I deserve to be seen? To have my own way of living without the fear of losing what already has been taken away from me and my history? Does my perspective provoke curiosity or judgement? How does one decipher? Tell me what you think you know. Do you want to explore or project?    
Post a Comment
Read more

Kiss From a Rose

By -
I’m headed back to my hometown today for the weekend and earlier I heard Kiss from a Rose by Seal playing. This was one of the main songs that played at my mom’s funeral. Kiss From a Rose has randomly played during hard times or when something might happen that is tough. It’s like her way of telling me she’s with me during moments that are extra hard. Admittingly, I do have a sense that something may happen. I am worried about someone that became my friend during my Bachelors. Carol was one of my professors, and I noticed her messages are off and she was telling she isn’t feeling well. I asked her what was going on and she believes it’s anxiety. She was telling me that her house is a mess and she may be laying on the couch when I come to see her. Carol is in her 80’s living on her own and I am concerned something is very wrong. I guess all I can do when I arrive is to assess the situation. I am mentally preparing myself as I usually do when I have a feeling something is wrong.
Post a Comment
Read more

Job Offer

By -
 Holy hell I finally got a job offer!!!!! When I received the call this morning, I had to keep my emotions in check because I automatically wanted to cry happy tears of relief. Happy tears in hopes that I can continue to work towards my ultimate goal which is to obtain my independent licensure while save money when I can. It doesn’t pay much but I would rather keep focusing on my personal mission and hopefully work in a better environment that is supportive and collaborative. My god what a damn journey it’s been the past year. I fell so many times and didn’t want to get back up from the constant rejection and heartache that penetrated my soul. I hope this is going to be an okay chapter that has a better beginning and end. To all the people struggling I want to again remind you that I am walking right beside you knowing the very fears, uncertainty, loss, rejection and pain we face every day.  
Post a Comment
Read more

Perspective

By -
I was pretty until I frowned from life. I was cute until I spoke. I was precious until I showed my wounds. I was vulnerable until it didn’t fit your narrative. I was humble until I stood my ground. I was loving until I put up boundaries. I was curious until I asked too many questions. I was smart until my perspective didn’t match yours. I was a hard worker until I showed too much dedication.   I frown because I am human and life hurts. Don’t you feel it? I speak because I have a voice to use. Don’t you use yours with purpose? I have wounds that I carry. Isn’t that life? Don’t you have wounds? I am vulnerably strong. Don’t you want to learn? I am humble enough to realize I am not going to compete. Don’t you think it’s exhausting? I am loving enough to set boundaries while I care. Don’t you respect accountability? I am curious that provokes ideas and concepts. Don’t you want to grow? I was smart until it scared you. Don’t you think life is about seei...
Post a Comment
Read more

Halloween 2026

By -
I’ve been in bed all morning and now it’s past 1pm and I'm still here. I haven’t eaten or really drank anything besides enough water to take my medication in the morning. Yesterday was a similar day where I didn’t eat or drink anything until 8pm. I know it’s not healthy or good for me to do that, but my depression just shows up in different ways. I think part of it is because I know it’s Bruno’s birthday and it’s been a while since I’ve seen my pup. I miss him. I’m also reflecting on how it’s been almost a year since I lost Kitty. I miss cuddles and playing with Bruno and Kitty. They were my world. I understand that when you have a pet you must come to terms with knowing you will outlive them or that you may have to separate for one reason or another. However, it doesn’t make it less painful. When I have a chance to meet other little critters I just melt and go back in time when I was able to love my fur babies. I got to hold a friend’s cat, play with a random puppy in grass fo...
Post a Comment
Read more