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Dear Mom

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Dear mom, My anxiety hasn’t gone away. Maybe it never will. I feel a sense of worthlessness every day. I have been trying to distract myself but as we both know distractions are just that, just a distraction. The other day in therapy I cried so hard and I told my therapist I don’t like crying in front of people. When he asked me why, I cried even harder. I couldn’t get my words out right away. As tears ran down my face, I explained to him my dad used to make fun of me slamming the door in my face. I never really felt comfortable around others when I cried after living with him. I feel like even now many people are not genuine when they are trying to “comfort” me. I am not naive I know when someone is trying to “comfort” me in a selfish manner vs when they authentically care. I may be traumatized but many truths live at the same time. Mom, I don’t know how to keep moving forward or even have the energy to do so. I have been ignoring my mail, distancing myself from others to some cap...
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A Lonely Journey

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Have you ever felt like no matter where you go and who you meet, you just don’t belong? I feel that nearly every day. My friend Daniel asked me the other day “why are you so kind? You had such a hard life.” I responded by saying “I must be crazy.” Then I asked him the same question and he said, “it’s easy to be mean but it’s harder to be kind.” As I sit here crying and reflecting on what he said, he is right, it’s easy to be mean and it takes so much effort to be kind in a world that is so harsh. All I ever wanted was to be loved as I have tried to love others. I’m starting to believe I am not worth loving. When people come across me all they see is a broken woman. Not denying that I had a good share of hurt but I like to think I have things to offer and that maybe someone would think I am worth the time and investment. Whether it’s family, friends, neighbors, places of work or romantically. So, I guess for anyone feeling alone in a world that keeps trying to take you down; you’re no...
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Bruno's 10th Birthday

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I wanted to acknowledge it’s my dog’s birthday this month. He will be 10 years old! It’s been about two months since the last time I got to see him. I miss him dearly and think about him every day. I miss being rowdy and playful with him. Bruno has endless energy. Playfulness is his whole being and I hope that he is doing well and that he is getting all the love and treats he can get. I wish I could see him and let him know I love him to the ends of the earth. It hurts because I know we all lost each other in different ways. Brandon, Kitty and Bruno were my family. A family I will never forget. Bruno, I am sorry I am not there and I know that you feel it as I do too. Love you with all my heart and soul.
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Dreams of Jerome

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I wanted to share some dreams I had of my uncle Jerome over the past few years. I want to be able to look back and remember how special they were to me. 1 st dream was sometime after his passing. I would dream he was sitting beside my bed watching over me. It was unspoken love and reassurance that he was okay. Again, it was a realistic dream because I remember I had my eyes open and seeing my room, but he was there watching me. It did bring me some peace of mind that I did do what I could for him. 2 nd dream I started walking up a long staircase and, on each side, there was a bunch of people lined up against the wall. Again, no one spoke. However, I knew they were people he had touched in some fashion. They were all there to show me how impactful he truly was. As I finally started to make it to the top of the stairs. I asked, “where’s my uncle.” They just looked down towards the hallway, and I saw him walking in silence. He had his hands behind his back as he slowly shuffled his ...
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Sleep Walking

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I had some issues last night. Feeling lightheaded and weak with a strange sensation running throughout my body. I feel that right now. That is the reality of having epilepsy. Also, I had such a strange out-of-body dream. I knew I was sleeping but I stood up and staired into my living room. I heard a man’s voice that sounded like my dad. I remember feeling frightened and uneasy. I just stood there staring. I don’t know how long from the time I stood there scared to waking up in my bed in a panic. It was early in the morning around 3 or 4 when I officially woke up. After I woke up in a panic, I still felt scared and turned on my light for the remainder of the morning. I used to do this as a kid at my dad’s house. I would be so panicked that I slept with the light on all night and still always woke up scared. I also used to sleepwalk, and I think the last time I did I was in my early 20’s when I was living at Life House for homeless youth. To be completely honest I forgot I used to do...
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Unreasonable vs Reasonable

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I'm I unreasonable in a reasonable world? Or do I live in a unreasonable world as I am reasonable?  Most of the time I ponder this and I am starting to come to the conclusion that it's all in perspective. I am both unreasonable and reasonable while also unsure at the same time. Given so much that has happened and continues to happen does the question really matter in the end? It's a battle between endless perspectives and opinions. I am all at once all the things thought and said while simultaneously something unsaid or thought of. I live in an existence with many ideas and concepts beyond true comprehension. 
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Brenda's Birthday

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Brenda, my foster mom, messaged me on October 12 th and asked how I was doing and said she was just checking up on me. You know under “normal” circumstances I wouldn’t mind her messaging me because I would think she actual cared. However, that day was her birthday, and I didn’t say or acknowledge it in any capacity. Out of all the days, weeks, or even months she ironically just wanted to see how I was doing that particular day? Then the next day I got a missed call from my dad and heard his voice mail. I didn’t even bother calling him back. I am literally sick of people thinking something is “wrong” with me and making me feel like I am “crazy.” The only damn reason she reached out is because I didn’t acknowledge her birthday and it’s just a sick game. It is so easy for them to leave me out or forget about me when it comes to “family” gatherings, events, celebrations, and vacations. However, when it’s their time and I don’t acknowledge them, I am the one unstable or I am someone they...
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