JhonRae's Blog

Knock, knock. Me: What are you doing here Death? Death: I came here because I saw you put in an application a while ago. I wanted to interview to see if you qualify. Me: Qualify for what? A choice to die? Death: Yes, because I need to know you are competent, you have references and if anyone objects. Me: Oh, I’ve had many months to think about this. Why do I need references? Why would it matter if anyone objects? Isn’t it my choice in the end (pun not intended.) Death: Sometimes when you ponder something too long your perception becomes distorted. I want references to vouch for you to state that you are suffering enough to justify coming with me. I need to see if anyone objects because don’t you think their opinion matters? Me: This is dumb. Of course, people are going to object because they are pro-life and selfish to watch me suffer without trying to support me. No one has reached out to just give me money without wanting something in return. No one has asked me what I ...

Panic settles in as if we are good friends. Depression hovers over like a cloud thinking its covering me. Yet, it is suffocating. Shame is making itself known. Seeping through my words as I am desperately trying to convey my worth. Fear is next to me knocking down everything I thought I built. Tearing it all down effortlessly. Sadness is always behind me waiting to be triggered despite the desperate plea of trying to save myself.

We are bonded by blood. We are bonded by a shared history. We are bonded by ever changing dynamics. Stop. That’s where the bond ended. We are not bonded by mutual acceptance and choice to be sisters. We are not bonded by our present or future together. We are not bonded by respect, love, compassion, empathy but rather ever-changing chaos. Stop. This is where my personal story keeps going. I am bonded by my own inner being to be able to safely look inward. I am bonded by my personal experiences and perceptions of who I was, who I am and who I will become. I am bonded by my ever-changing curiosity about myself, family, friends, and acquaintances. Persist, full stop.

You know the other day I wrote in excitement about how my older sister has possibly changed. Well, I am not going to shame or feel dumb for falling for it. What I wrote was sincere, passionate, hopeful and full of acceptance and love. The other day my nephew called me for the first time concerned about his mom (my sister). He told me what was happening and I drove to them without a second thought. This is what I found out from a few different family members about my sister’s current state of mind. She has not ever been to therapy, she does still drink, smokes, and apparently does take pills not as prescribed. She also is losing any form of connection with all her kids. My niece and I sat down for a while and she told me some horrifying things she is saying and doing while also showing me pictures. Then I spoke to the kid’s dad, and he is fed up with her as well. I don’t blame any of them. My sister has never been “right” in the head for as long as I could remember. Despite all the ...

Are you hard working?  Not enough. Do you have good communication skills? Not enough. Do you have the ability to adapt and possess problem-solving skills? Not enough. Do you have experience? Not enough. Do you have a degree? Not enough. Do you know about trauma informed care? Not enough. What do I know? I know I continue to self-reflect and work on myself even when it’s hard. I know I communicate effectively while knowing that we can disagree and still be professional. I know I continuously have adapted to hard and unpredictable situations personally and professionally. I know I have my master’s degree and I'm a continuous learner. I know that I continuously learn to navigate my own trauma and keep working on myself while learning how to ground myself when I feel like I am fading away. I may not be the “ideal” candidate or interviewee in an interviewer’s eyes. However, I like to think that what I do know is important. What I have experienced is important. Wh...

Today my eldest sister reached out to me, and I didn’t hesitate to be there. We spoke for four long but good hours over the phone. I noticed a few changes in her that makes me so proud. She acknowledged the hurt she caused without me asking her to. Then she said “I am unstable and I can’t promise if I step out of line at times, but I would like you to tell me nicely when I do. It may take me time to realize it.” That is mothering fucking growth that I knew she was capable of! She's been sober for a few years now and realizes if she even drinks one beer she doesn’t feel right. It sounds to me she is finally working on herself despite health complications she's going through. She has continuously been in therapy for some time, and it sounds like she isn’t quitting on herself. I am so proud of her even if she doesn’t feel great right now. I had the privilege and honor to hear my sister again for who I always hoped and knew she could be. I know it’s going to be a bit chaotic re...