JhonRae's Blog

Brenda, my foster mom, messaged me on October 12 th and asked how I was doing and said she was just checking up on me. You know under “normal” circumstances I wouldn’t mind her messaging me because I would think she actual cared. However, that day was her birthday, and I didn’t say or acknowledge it in any capacity. Out of all the days, weeks, or even months she ironically just wanted to see how I was doing that particular day? Then the next day I got a missed call from my dad and heard his voice mail. I didn’t even bother calling him back. I am literally sick of people thinking something is “wrong” with me and making me feel like I am “crazy.” The only damn reason she reached out is because I didn’t acknowledge her birthday and it’s just a sick game. It is so easy for them to leave me out or forget about me when it comes to “family” gatherings, events, celebrations, and vacations. However, when it’s their time and I don’t acknowledge them, I am the one unstable or I am someone they...

To my ex, If you ever happen to read this, I want to say I am sorry for my broken heart. However, I can’t be sorry for how it broke. My life prior to you was filled with chaos, which I don’t need to tell you, you already know. Then you came along and brought a glimmer of peace into my life. Filled with laughter, love, understanding, compassion, and joy. It also came with misunderstandings, differences in communication, lack of accountability, loss of compassion, love and even possible friendship. I know that I wasn’t perfect, especially in the beginning of our relationship. I had so much anxiety even thinking about trusting you or letting you into my heart. The experiences I had with others I projected on to you. That was and is a continuous lesson I need to learn is that not everyone is unsafe but also not “perfect.” Fast forwarding to the moment I told you I cheated. I told you because I couldn’t bare not telling you what I have done. I like to think I hold myself to a standard...

Accountability is the willingness to accept responsibility. You said he isn’t manly enough. I heard you. You said you wanted a man who makes more money. I heard you. You said you care and want to listen. I see contradictions. You are careless with others boundaries. You expect everyone to honor yours. You want to be seen and heard. I see you demand center of attention. Your expectations are high. I see you expect everyone to conform to you. You are perceived as “unique.” I see it’s just a mask.   He called me crying multiple times because he was confused and hurt. I listened. He disclosed things he can never say to you. I listened. He takes responsibility for your bad behavior. I see manipulation growing. He makes excuses of why you don’t listen. I see gaslighting. He is willing to conform to you no matter what. He is your puppet and you’re the master. He is easily persuaded. I see he manipulates the situation to fit the narrative you want. He is stres...

Dear David, Your response again was taking blame for Taylor’s continuous bad behavior. I highlighted things that you’ve told me, I’ve heard and witnessed and there is nothing I can do or say at this point. I hope this relationship is worth losing for another. I guess that’s all have to say. I am sending hope out to the universe for your sake.

I have been reflecting on a message I received from a friend a few days ago, David. Though, I admit David didn’t cut ties with me, I felt I had to make the hard decision to do so for a few personal reasons. A few weeks back David, his girlfriend Taylor and I planned to hang out at a restaurant. Which I admit I should have just canceled because I was not in the right headspace. I started having a bad panic attack and excused myself to go the bathroom to try to regulate myself. I did cry because I was overwhelmed. Then I came back and sat down for a little longer and I ended up excusing myself again and leaving all together. I was spiraling and couldn’t stop the panic attack. In that time frame Taylor in my perspective was overwhelming and just couldn’t read the room. The very first thing she said to me when I arrived was “I’m sorry I saw your messages I just been too stressed.” Then she spoke about all her stress and life without considering my feelings. She then eventually paused and...

Yesterday morning I woke up in a panic again. My heart racing, muscle tension, shaking, exhausted, irritable, restless, trouble concentrating and worry. I don’t recall what I dreamt but I felt it when I woke up. Admittingly, I struggled all day but tried to do various things such as cleaning, cooking, walking, sauna and working out. Trying to keep my focus on moving forward. I cried off and on all day in between activities. I even tried to write but I just couldn’t focus. I had racing thoughts I couldn’t organize due to my anxiety. I am trying so hard to live a “normal” life while battling some of the biggest demons within me. Demons that live with in me are feelings of immense guilt, shame, embracement, and anger. All accumulation of rejection, loss and confusion. Honestly, even now I don’t have the right words to express all that I am feeling. I still have racing thoughts and feelings swirling around me. It feels like a hurricane coming in and destroying all the hard work I thought...