JhonRae's Blog

Last night was strange. I’ve had a projector for months now and it has never turned on itself. Not even once. Last night when I was about to fall asleep it turned on but it didn’t turn on all the way. All I could hear is a commercial like video playing without the video aspect. It didn’t even make that obnoxious rising air sound. It was clear like when you turn on a tv. I officially turned it on to see what it was playing, and there was nothing in my history besides me watching Jamie French videos and SNL skits. Then I had such a strange dream about my ex. He was mentally and emotionally struggling more than he had ever struggled before. I remember he told me the house was a mess and that he couldn’t fully keep up with it. He was isolating more and was hard on himself. That’s all I could really remember besides him saying something about therapy and how his therapist noticed a drastic change in character. Sometimes dreams are metaphors for how you internally feel. I know that I dre...

It’s been three weeks since I haven't said anything to my friend David. It saddens me that he has not tried to reach out because he knows I am struggling. However, I know I am not his responsibility but also on the same hand I think that’s what friends do, they show up for each other even through tough times. I think part of it is because of his girlfriend to be completely honest. He always knew how I felt about her and this time I realized I just don’t want to continuously make myself anxious or uncomfortable to try to be “friends” with her. Just to make him comfortable. The last time I saw them the very first thing Taylor acknowledged is that she read my texts but was too “stressed” to respond. Honestly, I don’t respect her for various reasons, and I don’t like seeing her using my friend. While he continuously makes excuses for her bad behavior. To be completely honest he is choosing to lose a good friend because he won’t address how she interacts with others. I can’t fake trying...

You know I have been looking for a job and something I always heard is social workers can work in anywhere including schools. Well, I just found out one very big reason I keep getting rejecting every time I apply as a social worker in a school district. Apparently, you must have different credentials because having your master’s in social work isn’t enough. You must obtain more education and get certified to be able to work in a school as a social worker. So, paying nearly 100,000 for my education is not enough. Also, why the hell did professors not inform anyone there were extra requirements. Clearly, you can’t just work anywhere. It’s such a slap in the face knowing that a few places were interested in me and the last one finally gave me context to why they didn’t hire me. Literally what the actual fuck. I am sitting here thinking what the hell is wrong with me when I just didn’t have the whole picture. I swear to the high heavens if I ever get my independent licensure, I will make a...

You’re in pursuit. I am the prey. Your appetite is too big. Mine is reserved. Your ego is high. Mine is lost. Your fantasies are my nightmare. Your complements are deceptive. I see right through you. Your hidden agenda is a game. I see you performing. Your actions are impactful. I see your internal purpose. Your patterns are never mistaken. I see your true character. Your behavior exposes you. You are a product of your environment.

Today I went for my daily walk. In the park, I noticed a wellness gathering of some sort. After my walk I decided to join with no expectation but rather curiosity. I want to share the guided meditation I did while sitting in the grass and soaking up the sun. I closed my eyes and my mind drifted. I was standing in the park and as I looked down, I saw $100 in the grass. I started to walk towards $100 until I noticed a little girl in the distance walking towards me. As she approached closer, I saw it was my younger self. She looked peaceful. Now, I had a choice to pick up the $100 or walk with my younger self. I chose to walk with her leaving the $100 behind. We went and sat on a swinging bench laughing. We didn’t have much to say to each other because we already understood one another. We just enjoyed each other’s company while swinging in the sun. I looked to my right, and I saw my mom, uncle Jerome and Kitty watching us. They too were smiling towards us as Kitty sat there looking w...

Dear mom, I haven’t written to you in a while. I guess I just wanted to say what’s on my mind this morning. I have been in bed pretty much all morning and I started to get ready to go for my daily walk. However, my headphones were dead. So, here I am waiting listening to music and letting my mind wonder off. You know the other day I was actually proud of myself. I decided to make a decision to end being a SB. Admittingly, it ate at me because that isn’t who I am and I spiraled because I was scared to lose my money, I worked hard to save. However, I concluded that I would rather have my dignity and gamble, losing everything. I am still actively looking for a job and I have two possibilities. Though, as we know, just because they say they like me it doesn’t mean I will get the job. I wish I could have known you longer. What I remember of you and what others say, you sound like one hell of a force to be reckoned with. You were passionate, kind, smart, encouraging, sacrificing, stron...