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Seizure While Dreaming

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I woke up like normal today and then went back to bed. I dreamt that my uncle was on the other end of the phone telling me he was there. I don’t fully remember but I recall feeling like he was telling me something important. Then I dreamt about Kitty. Brandon was in my dream too. I remember him saying he wanted to feed her and I got up in a hurry because I was confused why he said that. Then I saw her laying down and I grabbed her desperately. I sobbed holding her because I knew in my dream she was dying. At some point I had a few seizures while I was sleeping. I was in and out of consciousness. I think I was shaking and I screamed. I remember the same feeling that I had when I tried to stop them, but I couldn’t. I live alone and all I can do is just let it happen, especially when I am sleeping there is nothing I can do. All I can do is hope it stops on its own. I feel exhausted and worn down from stress and lack of sleep that triggered me. No matter how much I tell people that I hav...
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Manipulation and Gaslighting

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If you can’t convince, then confuse. It wasn’t just being defensive or having a disagreement. It was consistent with gaslighting and emotional manipulation. Denying things said is classic; it’s not unique to you. Trying to manipulate the situation by trying to shift responsibility and interpretation of events. I see weakness growing. Deflection and blame-shifting. You couldn’t stay with the issue; you were uncomfortable and redirected the conversation to something you perceived that I did wrong. You deflected. It turned into blame-shifting when the original concern gets lost in the role reversal. Taking control of the conversation. I asked questions and it poked at your fragile ego. You tried to take control of a narrative that never existed. I feel your embarrassment. You wouldn’t give me time to reflect or answer; a tactic to confuse and control. Of course, I couldn’t keep up but doesn’t mean I wasn’t aware. You have nothing more to say. Retaliation to distort reality. ...
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Dentist

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I went to the dentist today and I was uncountably shaking. The Hygienist grabbed my hands and held them tight. She was trying to calm my nerves which was so sweet of her. This is the second time being there and I have nothing but good things to say about them. I was traumatized by another dentist back in my hometown that I knew messed up badly on my teeth and did damage to them. I felt like I was being gaslight trying to tell others about my pain and what I suspected. The dentist I have gone to twice now confirmed that my pain was real and there was evidence of why I experienced so many issues up to this point. I am in the process of getting what was done fixed and I couldn’t be happier that I found this place. It’s not just because they confirmed my suspicion but the kindness, patience and flexibility to work with me despite my anxiety. I thought I would have to resort to being sedated because I have bad panic attacks. However, I have never once had to do that since I have seen th...
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Hello I Am Here. Where Are You?

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My heart was ripped out and replaced. Replaced with echoing memories of what love was like. I have been searching by the water, under the rocks, looking at the sky, hiking through the woods, greeting animals and meeting new people. Reminisces of love flows through my writing while my body is tense and cautious. How do I love again? I bond others together as I know how important connection is, while I slowly disappear into the fog. My presence slowly fades. Does anyone notice? As I am pushing all of you out of the fog, in return I am sacrificing myself. It’s getting darker. Will anyone take my hand? How do I save myself? I witnessed and experienced immense pain, my tolerance is slowly dwindling. Does my perceived perseverance help guide you? Do you find hope and strength in my trauma? Are my wounds lessons you don’t want to ever bare? Can someone take some of the load. It’s getting heavy. How do I take some of the weight off? I am calling out. Are you listening or just passi...
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Tell Me What You Think You Know

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Tell me what you think you know. Do you think I am pretty enough for you not to wander? Have I added to your life enough to reminisce in the moment? Or does your past still haunt you as it does me? Does my opposition trigger everything you thought you knew? How does one deal? Do you fantasize ideas of who you want me to become? Does my ideology scare you? Does my child like wonder intrigue you? Is that just fascination? Am I a prize or am I valued? Does my questions poke at your ego? Do you like chasing ghosts? I am invisible in comparison to your past. I don’t compete. Does my white skin challenge the narrative of what a Native “should look like?” Don’t I deserve to be seen? To have my own way of living without the fear of losing what already has been taken away from me and my history? Does my perspective provoke curiosity or judgement? How does one decipher? Tell me what you think you know. Do you want to explore or project?    
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Kiss From a Rose

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I’m headed back to my hometown today for the weekend and earlier I heard Kiss from a Rose by Seal playing. This was one of the main songs that played at my mom’s funeral. Kiss From a Rose has randomly played during hard times or when something might happen that is tough. It’s like her way of telling me she’s with me during moments that are extra hard. Admittingly, I do have a sense that something may happen. I am worried about someone that became my friend during my Bachelors. Carol was one of my professors, and I noticed her messages are off and she was telling she isn’t feeling well. I asked her what was going on and she believes it’s anxiety. She was telling me that her house is a mess and she may be laying on the couch when I come to see her. Carol is in her 80’s living on her own and I am concerned something is very wrong. I guess all I can do when I arrive is to assess the situation. I am mentally preparing myself as I usually do when I have a feeling something is wrong.
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Job Offer

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 Holy hell I finally got a job offer!!!!! When I received the call this morning, I had to keep my emotions in check because I automatically wanted to cry happy tears of relief. Happy tears in hopes that I can continue to work towards my ultimate goal which is to obtain my independent licensure while save money when I can. It doesn’t pay much but I would rather keep focusing on my personal mission and hopefully work in a better environment that is supportive and collaborative. My god what a damn journey it’s been the past year. I fell so many times and didn’t want to get back up from the constant rejection and heartache that penetrated my soul. I hope this is going to be an okay chapter that has a better beginning and end. To all the people struggling I want to again remind you that I am walking right beside you knowing the very fears, uncertainty, loss, rejection and pain we face every day.  
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