JhonRae's Blog

 I hold secrets you will never hear. You will assume. I hold pain that you could never bare. You will assume. I look beautiful. You will assume. I look innocent and naive. You will assume. I look put together. You will assume. Assumptions blind us from the truth.

Definition of bravery is to show mental or moral strength when facing danger, fear or difficulty. I was told I was brave. Brave when I lost my mom. Brave when I was homeless. Brave being a foster kid. Brave living in a shelter. Brave being sexually assaulted. Brave for having epilepsy. Brave getting out of abusive relationships. Brave quitting a job. Brave for sticking up for myself to bullies. Brave for being a woman in this society. Brave for helping my uncle in his last days. As I reflect on the definition of bravery in the context of my life I come to the realization that I was surviving. I didn’t get to chose to be “brave.” It was forced upon me. The symptoms of “bravery” is shedding tears, making impossible decisions, starting over, panic attacks, self-doubt, self-hatred, anger, disappointment, fear, rejection, nightmares, disease, chronic pain, setting boundaries and heartache.     I don’t want to be brave anymore.  

I am unique. So, I was told. I am different. So, I was told. I am brave. So, I was told. I am beautiful. So, I was told. I am creative. So, I was told. I am intelligent. So, I was told. I am funny. So, I was told. I am a fighter. So, I was told. I cry nearly every day. So, here I am. I feel deeply. So, here I am. I have barriers to tall to jump. So, here I am. I think about everything. So, here I am. I have deep wounds that won't close. So, here I am. I feel like a monster. So, here I am. I joke to mask the pain. So, here I am. I lose sight and energy for hope. So, here I am. Can you see me now? Can you see that my pain is what you admire?   

December 2025 can go F itself. I know that’s bold for me to say but it is my truth. I lost my Kitty on December 3 rd , a family friend on the 15 th and Christmas day brought my dad to the ER. December 2025 wasn’t so kind. Just before December I was planning on moving away to reboot and start over again. I planned on bringing my beloved Kitty with me. I had her over 10 years and she was the love of my life, and I cried for a few weeks. Then a family friend passed away and I went to honor them in the only way I knew how at the ICU days before they passed. I didn't have time to cry because I had to focus on packing and moving since it was already in the works before all of this.  When Christmas approached my dad called and appeared confused and told me he could barely walk. He was what is called acute kidney injury and was severely dehydrated. I remember while I was visiting him he teared up for the first time and asked me if Dee Dee was okay and expressed concern. I didn't tel...

 M, I wanted to write a thank you letter for all that you have done for me thus this far. You listened to me rant, cry, swear, and become extremely passionate and spicy about various topics. We weren’t fully able to process my past traumas due to current events in my life and that’s okay. I learned that if you are able to process current trauma (s) with someone safe and talk about it, it’s less impactful in the future. It doesn't make it any easier, but it is helpful long term. I am sure you already know this. Anyways, I wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you and acknowledge the type of therapist I see. I know most of the work is on me and not you. However, like I said, you were and are a safe person and that goes miles. Maybe about two but that’s about it. JK. M, you have and will continue to do amazing things for so many! Don’t let it get to your head! Always stay humble, curious, compassionate, and flexible with a hint of spicy. Like Jalapeno level spicy. Unless it...

 The past 3 years have been tough on me for various reasons that I seem I cannot shake. The two main topics is when I cheated and when my uncle Jerome passed away. I have realized these two events changed me in ways that I wish I could reverse. The cheating and Jerome’s passing have been unresolved issues for me despite the various times I tried to reconcile. I still feel like my nervous system is dysregulated more often than not. As I was listening to a podcast the other day this person quoted “you have to actively repair the threat associations that your brain has built up around each other. It takes both partners to acknowledge the specific wounds each partner has created without turning it into a blame system.” This resonated with me deeply. I realized that the lead up to the cheating, the cheating itself and Jerome’s passing are deep wounds that I carry around every day. As I was listening to the podcast it spoke about invalidation, unresolved conflicts, emotional withdraw...