JhonRae's Blog

My eldest sister has been messaging me lately and I wanted to write about a dream she shared with me. She told me “You showed up at my house. We hadn’t seen or talked in 10 years. So broken and lonely and scared. You came to me because mom had come to you in a dream and told you to go to your sister she has what you need. She has what your heart needs to heal. You guys need each other. And you came. I woke up right after that. With the urgency to text you. It may be just a dream but I needed to at least tell you are loved, beautiful, and you are not alone.” I wrote this exactly how she messaged me because it’s something I don’t want to forget. Though my sister and I have had many differences and disagreements my heart is always with her. It’s frustrating because I get glimpse of my sister and then it goes away due to mental health or addiction. It’s a different kind of pain and loss when you watch some you love deeply come in and out of reality. I wish I could take all that away fr...

 I am running. No, sprinting. I can’t catch my breath. As I stop for a moment to look back my shadow is still behind me taunting me. I start to run again thinking this time I will escape. Then as my body is giving out, I start to laugh. Partially from exhaustion. Also, because it occurs to me that I can’t outrun my past. With the little energy that I have left I turn and I face my shadow. As I stare with frustration, hurt, sadness, rejection, failure, embarrassment, shame, guilt and hate then I realize my shadow wasn’t taunting me. It was trying to catch up to let me know I am not alone. I haven’t given myself time to breathe and take a moment to see another perspective. The perspective that my shadow is not my enemy but my companion that knows my past, present and future. It walks with me. Not against me.

 I am short but stand tall. My body is my temple and a safe place to look inward. My walk mimics the knowledge I carry. My voice reveals resiliency and commitment. My handshake shows strength and leadership. My eyes display curiosity and creativity. My smile demonstrates empathy and trust. My laughter reveals passion, love and humor. My arms produce a sense of comfort and compassion. My legs illustrate and guide opportunity. My feet provide foundation and stability.

Loving someone is a choice. A choice to try to understand their perspective. The willingness to take initiative to notice what is important in a moment’s time. Compromising the nuances. Taking a step back to self-reflect and take accountability of the part you’ve played in the miscommunications and lack of understanding. Learning to be patient when times are tough. Love is ever evolving that comes with growth, understanding, compassion, patients, and sometimes the ultimate sacrifice; letting go. Letting go of what you once knew or understood. Letting go and setting them free to be authentically happy despite it hurting. Love isn’t just about finding the “one” but rather a deep authentic connection even if it’s a moment in time. It still lasts a lifetime. A lifetime of memories, joy, connection, growth, problem solving, safety, comfort, and stability. While also unmasking and showing the other side. Unmasking hurt, sadness, confusion, miscommunication, disagreements, lack of account...

I found out my good friend has cancer. I have been crying off and on about it. I know not to cry in front of him and I won’t. I won’t cry because I don’t want to project my personal fears on to him. That just wouldn’t be fair. Also, I feel like such an asshole because just a month prior they found a mass on my kidney and they weren’t sure if it was cancerous. I remember not being so kind to myself about the whole situation. I know what I said hurt others that care about me. I acknowledge all of it. Admittingly though I wish it wasn’t him and it was me that has cancer. I can only pray to the universe that he is going to be okay. I am tired of watching everyone I love get cancer and this does weigh heavy on me, and I don’t have anyone to just cry with. It just hurts so much. All I can do is put on that poker face and when I am alone just cry and vent on here to random strangers. To quote him "we don't get to choose."

 I was asked what makes me feel seen and valued? I told them I needed to reflect on that question. I think I needed to hold space for myself given all that has happened throughout my life. As I reflected on the question I realized I feel seen when someone takes initiative to remember the things that are important to me (even if they don’t like it). Acknowledging my experiences even if they can’t feel or see it themselves. Sometimes we tend to invalidate others because we don’t understand their mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing. Especially, if it’s something you never came across or even experienced. I wrote once, “it’s easier to say hurtful things to someone/something you don’t like. I haven’t liked myself in a long time for various reasons. I never befriended myself.” So, if I can invalidate and hide myself from the world wouldn’t it be easy for a friend, family member or stranger to do it just as easy? So, I guess what I am saying is that there isn’t a simple answer ...