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A Broken Freindship

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I have been reflecting on a message I received from a friend a few days ago, David. Though, I admit David didn’t cut ties with me, I felt I had to make the hard decision to do so for a few personal reasons. A few weeks back David, his girlfriend Taylor and I planned to hang out at a restaurant. Which I admit I should have just canceled because I was not in the right headspace. I started having a bad panic attack and excused myself to go the bathroom to try to regulate myself. I did cry because I was overwhelmed. Then I came back and sat down for a little longer and I ended up excusing myself again and leaving all together. I was spiraling and couldn’t stop the panic attack. In that time frame Taylor in my perspective was overwhelming and just couldn’t read the room. The very first thing she said to me when I arrived was “I’m sorry I saw your messages I just been too stressed.” Then she spoke about all her stress and life without considering my feelings. She then eventually paused and...
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Emotional Storm

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Yesterday morning I woke up in a panic again. My heart racing, muscle tension, shaking, exhausted, irritable, restless, trouble concentrating and worry. I don’t recall what I dreamt but I felt it when I woke up. Admittingly, I struggled all day but tried to do various things such as cleaning, cooking, walking, sauna and working out. Trying to keep my focus on moving forward. I cried off and on all day in between activities. I even tried to write but I just couldn’t focus. I had racing thoughts I couldn’t organize due to my anxiety. I am trying so hard to live a “normal” life while battling some of the biggest demons within me. Demons that live with in me are feelings of immense guilt, shame, embracement, and anger. All accumulation of rejection, loss and confusion. Honestly, even now I don’t have the right words to express all that I am feeling. I still have racing thoughts and feelings swirling around me. It feels like a hurricane coming in and destroying all the hard work I thought...
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Grief Is An Act Of Love

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 Grief Is An Act Of Love “Grief is the last act of love we can give to our loved ones that we cared so deeply about. Where there is deep grief there was great love. A hero’s journey with great sorrow.” Being told to move on and let go diminishes the experiences you once had with past loved ones. You don’t have to move on to make space to love others. Your love is ever expansive, adding to future connections. Letting go is about learning to let go of the expectations of the future that you were planning to have with them. It’s learning to let go of our fear, guilt, shame or other hurtful feelings associated with loss. Continuously learning to be inspired by the memories and connection while also knowing that it changed form; bringing joy and sorrow together. As we talk about them, we are creating new memories and honoring the time we had. Learning to appreciate how precious time really is. Time is one of the most valuable irreplaceable assets we have. Grief is like ocean wav...
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Thought Dump

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Last night was strange. I’ve had a projector for months now and it has never turned on itself. Not even once. Last night when I was about to fall asleep it turned on but it didn’t turn on all the way. All I could hear is a commercial like video playing without the video aspect. It didn’t even make that obnoxious rising air sound. It was clear like when you turn on a tv. I officially turned it on to see what it was playing, and there was nothing in my history besides me watching Jamie French videos and SNL skits. Then I had such a strange dream about my ex. He was mentally and emotionally struggling more than he had ever struggled before. I remember he told me the house was a mess and that he couldn’t fully keep up with it. He was isolating more and was hard on himself. That’s all I could really remember besides him saying something about therapy and how his therapist noticed a drastic change in character. Sometimes dreams are metaphors for how you internally feel. I know that I dre...
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Disconnection Between Friends

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It’s been three weeks since I haven't said anything to my friend David. It saddens me that he has not tried to reach out because he knows I am struggling. However, I know I am not his responsibility but also on the same hand I think that’s what friends do, they show up for each other even through tough times. I think part of it is because of his girlfriend to be completely honest. He always knew how I felt about her and this time I realized I just don’t want to continuously make myself anxious or uncomfortable to try to be “friends” with her. Just to make him comfortable. The last time I saw them the very first thing Taylor acknowledged is that she read my texts but was too “stressed” to respond. Honestly, I don’t respect her for various reasons, and I don’t like seeing her using my friend. While he continuously makes excuses for her bad behavior. To be completely honest he is choosing to lose a good friend because he won’t address how she interacts with others. I can’t fake trying...
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School Social Worker

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You know I have been looking for a job and something I always heard is social workers can work in anywhere including schools. Well, I just found out one very big reason I keep getting rejecting every time I apply as a social worker in a school district. Apparently, you must have different credentials because having your master’s in social work isn’t enough. You must obtain more education and get certified to be able to work in a school as a social worker. So, paying nearly 100,000 for my education is not enough. Also, why the hell did professors not inform anyone there were extra requirements. Clearly, you can’t just work anywhere. It’s such a slap in the face knowing that a few places were interested in me and the last one finally gave me context to why they didn’t hire me. Literally what the actual fuck. I am sitting here thinking what the hell is wrong with me when I just didn’t have the whole picture. I swear to the high heavens if I ever get my independent licensure, I will make a...
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Deceptive Behavior

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You’re in pursuit. I am the prey. Your appetite is too big. Mine is reserved. Your ego is high. Mine is lost. Your fantasies are my nightmare. Your complements are deceptive. I see right through you. Your hidden agenda is a game. I see you performing. Your actions are impactful. I see your internal purpose. Your patterns are never mistaken. I see your true character. Your behavior exposes you. You are a product of your environment.
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