JhonRae's Blog

You know I go back and re-read my posts and realize continuous grammar errors. Despite me looking over them, multiple times before posting. Within my writing it exposes my learning difficulties while also expressing my humanity and life experiences. I hope this gives others hope and encouragement that you don’t need to fit in a “box” of any kind to be authentically you. You know if you actually listen to me speak, I tend to struggle with what is called spoonerisms. It’s a speech error that I unintentionally switch words, phrases and vowels around. Sometimes I don’t even realize I do it unless someone points it out to me. I like to write more because I can mindfully (for the most part) catch the errors and express myself in the way that I like to.

Someone posted this saying in a group that I follow. “The deepest pain is not losing someone, it’s realizing they never feared losing you.” This resonated with me deeply and profoundly. To me it speaks to people you thought loved and supported you while they have lacked the ability to see “value” or “worth” in who you are. Causing them to not fear losing you because they didn’t see your worth or value in the first place. Whether this applies to family, friends, romance, or otherwise. I want to preface that rejection isn’t about your actual value or worth but rather the inability to see who you are in all your complexities. I did post this on my social media but modified it to "protect" the ones that may contest to what I am speaking to. Funny, but in my past some of my foster parents encouraged me to write a book about my experiences. To be completely honest they wouldn't like half the things I have to say just as much as my actual family. People like to live blissf...

I’ve been struggling for months now and last night I had my cat Kitty visit me in my dream. She laid right next to me and we cuddled. I could hear, feel and smell her like she was next to me. I just sobbed while holding her and then I woke up with tears running down my face. I like to believe she came to comfort me in a time that I’ve been struggling with suicidal ideation. Also, the last few days prior to the dream I’ve had other things that could have been a sign that even my mom is telling me she is with me. Friday, Kiss from a Rose was the first song that played when I got home. Then Saturday I was at a restaurant in such a bad mood, but someone kept calling the name Linda. Linda was my mother’s name. Admittingly, I have been struggling with darker thoughts that seem to consume me more and more. I like to believe these are signs to let me know to keep moving on and don’t give up. I don’t understand what lessons I am supposed to learn in all this. I feel every emotion possible a...

I don’t need to hide from my past or eliminate my “baggage” to make someone else feel comfortable. I know who I am. I don’t need to be younger to prove my worth or to “fit” a mold or an idea. I don’t need to be able to bare children to pass down what I have learned. I want and deserve to be the imagined version that doesn’t have limitations, history, age, or difficult realities. Underneath it all is the lack of capacity to be curious, compassionate, and understanding. Whether it was intentional or unintentional. All that being said, any women feeling like you are not enough; I am here to say you are.

I needed words of affirmation. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to hear “I’m sorry” without excuses. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to see accountability without projection. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to see initiative to build safety and trust. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to be heard without pushing back. You spoke to my wounds. I needed validation to feel accepted. You spoke to my wounds. I needed empathy without judgement. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to hear you. Instead, I experienced defensiveness. You spoke to my wounds. My internal experiences are no one else’s to bare but my own. What wounds do you carry?  

To build a healthy foundation for any relationship such as family, friends or romance you need open communication, trust, mutual respect and the ability to build emotional safety. Open communication is about sharing thoughts and feelings without the fear of judgement. Trust is to have faith that individual is honest and sincere with their intentions and has your back. Mutual respect is setting boundaries, supporting each other’s opinions and perspectives while honoring and working through differences. Emotional safety is becoming vulnerable by opening up about fears, mistakes, rejection, judgement, stigma, and past hurt. As I continuously reflect on who I am and what I want in life I realize I don’t always apply these qualities to myself. I’ve lost faith in who I want to be. Lost trust in my abilities to overcome certain challenges. Rejecting different aspects of myself, and judging my past, present and future self. All parts of self-doubt that can be all consuming. I haven’t built...