JhonRae's Blog

 I am short but stand tall. My body is my temple and a safe place to look inward. My walk mimics the knowledge I carry. My voice reveals resiliency and commitment. My handshake shows strength and leadership. My eyes display curiosity and creativity. My smile demonstrates empathy and trust. My laughter reveals passion, love and humor. My arms produce a sense of comfort and compassion. My legs illustrate and guide opportunity. My feet provide foundation and stability.

Loving someone is a choice. A choice to try to understand their perspective. The willingness to take initiative to notice what is important in a moment’s time. Compromising the nuances. Taking a step back to self-reflect and take accountability of the part you’ve played in the miscommunications and lack of understanding. Learning to be patient when times are tough. Love is ever evolving that comes with growth, understanding, compassion, patients, and sometimes the ultimate sacrifice; letting go. Letting go of what you once knew or understood. Letting go and setting them free to be authentically happy despite it hurting. Love isn’t just about finding the “one” but rather a deep authentic connection even if it’s a moment in time. It still lasts a lifetime. A lifetime of memories, joy, connection, growth, problem solving, safety, comfort, and stability. While also unmasking and showing the other side. Unmasking hurt, sadness, confusion, miscommunication, disagreements, lack of account...

I found out my good friend has cancer. I have been crying off and on about it. I know not to cry in front of him and I won’t. I won’t cry because I don’t want to project my personal fears on to him. That just wouldn’t be fair. Also, I feel like such an asshole because just a month prior they found a mass on my kidney and they weren’t sure if it was cancerous. I remember not being so kind to myself about the whole situation. I know what I said hurt others that care about me. I acknowledge all of it. Admittingly though I wish it wasn’t him and it was me that has cancer. I can only pray to the universe that he is going to be okay. I am tired of watching everyone I love get cancer and this does weigh heavy on me, and I don’t have anyone to just cry with. It just hurts so much. All I can do is put on that poker face and when I am alone just cry and vent on here to random strangers. To quote him "we don't get to choose."

 I was asked what makes me feel seen and valued? I told them I needed to reflect on that question. I think I needed to hold space for myself given all that has happened throughout my life. As I reflected on the question I realized I feel seen when someone takes initiative to remember the things that are important to me (even if they don’t like it). Acknowledging my experiences even if they can’t feel or see it themselves. Sometimes we tend to invalidate others because we don’t understand their mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing. Especially, if it’s something you never came across or even experienced. I wrote once, “it’s easier to say hurtful things to someone/something you don’t like. I haven’t liked myself in a long time for various reasons. I never befriended myself.” So, if I can invalidate and hide myself from the world wouldn’t it be easy for a friend, family member or stranger to do it just as easy? So, I guess what I am saying is that there isn’t a simple answer ...

 What does it mean to be scared? The thought of losing loved ones. Making nearly impossible decisions. Being physically and mentally assaulted. Running from a home you built with someone. Telling a person, you respect and love that you’re pregnant. Having a miscarriage that almost killed you. Being diagnosed with a chronic condition(s). Finding what love means while keeping others at a distance. Trying to find yourself in a world you feel rejected by. Waking up knowing that you are a walking contradiction. Looking in the mirror to face unspoken truths. Learning to be brave.

  I am lost for words with too many racing thoughts. My mind keeps going back to the ER doctor telling me they found 1 inch mass in my left kidney. I think one of the worst part is coming home with no one to hold me and tell me they love me in a time when I feel the most vulnerable. I guess I deserve this. I do want to acknowledge I have good supportive friends but sometimes you just need more.