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Childless Woman

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Lately I have been thinking of my dad. I think part of it is because of the people I meet, what is said and not said. I’ve met people that talk about how they want to have a family or ones that are already established. Both are amazing to want and to have. However, I am in a different category. I can’t and don’t want children for various reasons. I think about how my very existence disgusted my father. He wrote me a few letters stating how he wished I was never born or I wasn’t his child. I was about 12-13 years old when he would write me letters of disgust towards me. He also stated once that he felt anger that everyone but him received money to have me. He was referring to my mom and my different foster homes. Actually, one of my foster mom’s did a similar thing. I was about 16 years old walking past her office and I over her talking to someone on the phone. She stated, “I need more foster kids I am making a lot of money.” I never told her even to this day that I overheard what she...
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Cat and Mouse

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 I went to therapy the other day for the first time in almost a year. I was able to make a same day appointment thankfully because to be completely transparent I was uncontrollably sobbing after the strange interview I had. Later I messaged an acquaintance and told her what happened more in-depth. Even though I acknowledge that I was having anxiety during the interview she told me “I’m frustrated for you and with her. For what it’s worth it sounds more like the problems were more tied to where she was at than your actions.” I don’t know if this is true. However, I do agree that during an interview an interviewer should never just say well we are not hiring. She wasted my time and hers. Again, I will admit I am not perfect, but I feel like others have continuously treated me as if I have no clue what I am doing. Also, I do want to reflect back and note that I did call this employer a few days prior to this interview introducing myself. I want to remember how she made me feel just ...
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PTSD

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Two nights ago, I woke up in a panic. I felt the same feelings I felt when I lost my mom, uncle and cat. I was re-living those moments of feeling as though it wasn’t real that they were gone. A deeper realization that is indescribable. My PTSD symptoms are really bad lately and it’s been getting harder to manage. I just want to be held and feel safe without judgement. 
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A Shameful Interview

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 Today was the most embarrassing interviews I’ve ever experienced. It had everything to do with me. My thoughts were scrambled, I word vomited to the point I couldn’t fully express myself and my body was shaking. Just before the interview I tried so hard to prepare myself but the moment she came online I started to panic. I couldn't stop it. It was so bad that she said, “I am not hiring now but if you are still looking, I can reach out to you in 6 months.” Honestly, I had nothing to lose at that point, so I asked her why she interviewed me. She said, “I just realized today I don’t have the capacity to hire new people.” Though I knew this was just a “nice and professional” way to say she wanted nothing to do with me. Honestly, I don’t blame her. I know that I bombed that interview. After being rejected one after another it gets to your head. Prior to this interview I continuously hear “once you get more experience we would love for you to interview again.” It is truly getting to m...
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Jokester (Dolly Parton)

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I am a puppet and you are my master. I am a jester for your entertainment. I am your toy to play with as you wish. I am your barbie doll to tell me how to look. I am naive for you to teach me. I am weak for you to look strong. I am invisible for you to be seen. I am your fetish for you to feel secure. I am your trophy to prove status. I am vulnerable, for you to look like my savior.   This poem is inspired by accumulation of men I have met throughout my life and their perception of me in the context of how they want me to make them feel. In all reality I am none of these things. As Dolly Parton quoted “all these years, people think the joke has been on me, but it’s actually been on the public.”
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Complements

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 Oh, you are so pretty! Oh, your make-up! Oh, your hair! Oh, your curves! Oh, your smile! Oh, you look young! Oh, you have good genes! Oh, darling, my features remind me of a family that rejected me. Oh, darling my make-up is a way for me to escape from the ugliness I see. Oh, darling my hair is thinning because I can’t stop the stress. Oh, darling my curves are reminders of failed pregnancies. Oh, darling I am chasing youth that is compromising my mental wellbeing. Oh, darling I don’t think you realize what you’re saying. I am chronically ill.
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Death Is Knocking At My Door

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Knock, knock. Me: What are you doing here Death? Death: I came here because I saw you put in an application a while ago. I wanted to interview to see if you qualify. Me: Qualify for what? A choice to die? Death: Yes, because I need to know you are competent, you have references and if anyone objects. Me: Oh, I’ve had many months to think about this. Why do I need references? Why would it matter if anyone objects? Isn’t it my choice in the end (pun not intended.) Death: Sometimes when you ponder something too long your perception becomes distorted. I want references to vouch for you to state that you are suffering enough to justify coming with me. I need to see if anyone objects because don’t you think their opinion matters? Me: This is dumb. Of course, people are going to object because they are pro-life and selfish to watch me suffer without trying to support me. No one has reached out to just give me money without wanting something in return. No one has asked me what I ...
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