Posts

Ever Evolving Love

By -
Loving someone is a choice. A choice to try to understand their perspective. The willingness to take initiative to notice what is important in a moment’s time. Compromising the nuances. Taking a step back to self-reflect and take accountability of the part you’ve played in the miscommunications and lack of understanding. Learning to be patient when times are tough. Love is ever evolving that comes with growth, understanding, compassion, patients, and sometimes the ultimate sacrifice; letting go. Letting go of what you once knew or understood. Letting go and setting them free to be authentically happy despite it hurting. Love isn’t just about finding the “one” but rather a deep authentic connection even if it’s a moment in time. It still lasts a lifetime. A lifetime of memories, joy, connection, growth, problem solving, safety, comfort, and stability. While also unmasking and showing the other side. Unmasking hurt, sadness, confusion, miscommunication, disagreements, lack of account...
Post a Comment
Read more

My Friend's Cancer Diagnosis

By -
I found out my good friend has cancer. I have been crying off and on about it. I know not to cry in front of him and I won’t. I won’t cry because I don’t want to project my personal fears on to him. That just wouldn’t be fair. Also, I feel like such an asshole because just a month prior they found a mass on my kidney and they weren’t sure if it was cancerous. I remember not being so kind to myself about the whole situation. I know what I said hurt others that care about me. I acknowledge all of it. Admittingly though I wish it wasn’t him and it was me that has cancer. I can only pray to the universe that he is going to be okay. I am tired of watching everyone I love get cancer and this does weigh heavy on me, and I don’t have anyone to just cry with. It just hurts so much. All I can do is put on that poker face and when I am alone just cry and vent on here to random strangers. To quote him "we don't get to choose."
Post a Comment
Read more

Seen and Valued.

By -
 I was asked what makes me feel seen and valued? I told them I needed to reflect on that question. I think I needed to hold space for myself given all that has happened throughout my life. As I reflected on the question I realized I feel seen when someone takes initiative to remember the things that are important to me (even if they don’t like it). Acknowledging my experiences even if they can’t feel or see it themselves. Sometimes we tend to invalidate others because we don’t understand their mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing. Especially, if it’s something you never came across or even experienced. I wrote once, “it’s easier to say hurtful things to someone/something you don’t like. I haven’t liked myself in a long time for various reasons. I never befriended myself.” So, if I can invalidate and hide myself from the world wouldn’t it be easy for a friend, family member or stranger to do it just as easy? So, I guess what I am saying is that there isn’t a simple answer ...
Post a Comment
Read more

What Does it Mean to be Scared?

By -
 What does it mean to be scared? The thought of losing loved ones. Making nearly impossible decisions. Being physically and mentally assaulted. Running from a home you built with someone. Telling a person, you respect and love that you’re pregnant. Having a miscarriage that almost killed you. Being diagnosed with a chronic condition(s). Finding what love means while keeping others at a distance. Trying to find yourself in a world you feel rejected by. Waking up knowing that you are a walking contradiction. Looking in the mirror to face unspoken truths. Learning to be brave.
Post a Comment
Read more

Kidney Issues

By -
  I am lost for words with too many racing thoughts. My mind keeps going back to the ER doctor telling me they found 1 inch mass in my left kidney. I think one of the worst part is coming home with no one to hold me and tell me they love me in a time when I feel the most vulnerable. I guess I deserve this. I do want to acknowledge I have good supportive friends but sometimes you just need more.
Post a Comment
Read more

Ambiguous Love

By -
 Recently I met someone that has continuously challenged me in ways I never thought I would experience. They some how gently nudge me to see the “flaws” in my thought process while still having the ability to see my perspective. Admittingly, it feels strange and foreign to me. They appear to have this deep understanding on how to recognize hidden or unspoken emotions. Today, they kindly said “I think you love your ex and that’s okay I get it. Even if you don’t admit it, I know.” They told me it’s the way I talk about him. Honestly, as I reflect on their observation, I can’t not deny that I love him. I am still trying to protect his heart by sacrificing mine. As I reflect on my definition of love, I realize that it’s never linear but rather ambiguous because it’s confusing and open to many interpretations. However, I do know when I say I love you, I mean it to my core. That’s why I don’t say it often because most of the time it’s not reciprocated. So, I hold on strongly to the o...
Post a Comment
Read more

Celebration

By -
The other day my former partner informed me that my family invited him to Easter. Which I 100% support because I see him as family and will always be in my life. However, we both agreed that it’s incredibly messed up that they didn’t invite me. Which unfortunately the truth is they’ve been like that towards me for years. I feel I have been the “monster or villain” no matter what I say and do. I am always an afterthought to them. Of course, that hurts and it sucks to constantly be reminded in some way you will never be enough for your own family to accept you. Another thing that stings is that my birthday is close to Easter. So, I will be spending my birthday and Easter alone for the first time. I always had my partner and precious creatures to greet me at the door. This year I will come home to silence and knowing I never crossed my family’s mind during this time. 
Post a Comment
Read more