JhonRae's Blog

The other day my former partner informed me that my family invited him to Easter. Which I 100% support because I see him as family and will always be in my life. However, we both agreed that it’s incredibly messed up that they didn’t invite me. Which unfortunately the truth is they’ve been like that towards me for years. I feel I have been the “monster or villain” no matter what I say and do. I am always an afterthought to them. Of course, that hurts and it sucks to constantly be reminded in some way you will never be enough for your own family to accept you. Another thing that stings is that my birthday is close to Easter. So, I will be spending my birthday and Easter alone for the first time. I always had my partner and precious creatures to greet me at the door. This year I will come home to silence and knowing I never crossed my family’s mind during this time. 

 Earlier this morning I got to see my Kitty in my dreams. I was watching her fixated on some shadows from the blinds blowing in the wind. I remember feeling this immense love I have always had for her. I grabbed her and kissed her on the back like I always did. Then my alarm woke me up from a dream that I wanted to last a lifetime. I miss her so much.    

 I hold secrets you will never hear. You will assume. I hold pain that you could never bare. You will assume. I look beautiful. You will assume. I look innocent and naive. You will assume. I look put together. You will assume. Assumptions blind us from the truth.

Definition of bravery is to show mental or moral strength when facing danger, fear or difficulty. I was told I was brave. Brave when I lost my mom. Brave when I was homeless. Brave being a foster kid. Brave living in a shelter. Brave being sexually assaulted. Brave for having epilepsy. Brave getting out of abusive relationships. Brave quitting a job. Brave for sticking up for myself to bullies. Brave for being a woman in this society. Brave for helping my uncle in his last days. As I reflect on the definition of bravery in the context of my life I come to the realization that I was surviving. I didn’t get to chose to be “brave.” It was forced upon me. The symptoms of “bravery” is shedding tears, making impossible decisions, starting over, panic attacks, self-doubt, self-hatred, anger, disappointment, fear, rejection, nightmares, disease, chronic pain, setting boundaries and heartache.     I don’t want to be brave anymore.  

I am unique. So, I was told. I am different. So, I was told. I am brave. So, I was told. I am beautiful. So, I was told. I am creative. So, I was told. I am intelligent. So, I was told. I am funny. So, I was told. I am a fighter. So, I was told. I cry nearly every day. So, here I am. I feel deeply. So, here I am. I have barriers to tall to jump. So, here I am. I think about everything. So, here I am. I have deep wounds that won't close. So, here I am. I feel like a monster. So, here I am. I joke to mask the pain. So, here I am. I lose sight and energy for hope. So, here I am. Can you see me now? Can you see that my pain is what you admire?   

December 2025 can go F itself. I know that’s bold for me to say but it is my truth. I lost my Kitty on December 3 rd , a family friend on the 15 th and Christmas day brought my dad to the ER. December 2025 wasn’t so kind. Just before December I was planning on moving away to reboot and start over again. I planned on bringing my beloved Kitty with me. I had her over 10 years and she was the love of my life, and I cried for a few weeks. Then a family friend passed away and I went to honor them in the only way I knew how at the ICU days before they passed. I didn't have time to cry because I had to focus on packing and moving since it was already in the works before all of this.  When Christmas approached my dad called and appeared confused and told me he could barely walk. He was what is called acute kidney injury and was severely dehydrated. I remember while I was visiting him he teared up for the first time and asked me if Dee Dee was okay and expressed concern. I didn't tel...