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Impact of Accountability

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To my ex, If you ever happen to read this, I want to say I am sorry for my broken heart. However, I can’t be sorry for how it broke. My life prior to you was filled with chaos, which I don’t need to tell you, you already know. Then you came along and brought a glimmer of peace into my life. Filled with laughter, love, understanding, compassion, and joy. It also came with misunderstandings, differences in communication, lack of accountability, loss of compassion, love and even possible friendship. I know that I wasn’t perfect, especially in the beginning of our relationship. I had so much anxiety even thinking about trusting you or letting you into my heart. The experiences I had with others I projected on to you. That was and is a continuous lesson I need to learn is that not everyone is unsafe but also not “perfect.” Fast forwarding to the moment I told you I cheated. I told you because I couldn’t bare not telling you what I have done. I like to think I hold myself to a standard...
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Playing into a Narrative Someone Else is Creating

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Accountability is the willingness to accept responsibility. You said he isn’t manly enough. I heard you. You said you wanted a man who makes more money. I heard you. You said you care and want to listen. I see contradictions. You are careless with others boundaries. You expect everyone to honor yours. You want to be seen and heard. I see you demand center of attention. Your expectations are high. I see you expect everyone to conform to you. You are perceived as “unique.” I see it’s just a mask.   He called me crying multiple times because he was confused and hurt. I listened. He disclosed things he can never say to you. I listened. He takes responsibility for your bad behavior. I see manipulation growing. He makes excuses of why you don’t listen. I see gaslighting. He is willing to conform to you no matter what. He is your puppet and you’re the master. He is easily persuaded. I see he manipulates the situation to fit the narrative you want. He is stres...
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Dear David

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Dear David, Your response again was taking blame for Taylor’s continuous bad behavior. I highlighted things that you’ve told me, I’ve heard and witnessed and there is nothing I can do or say at this point. I hope this relationship is worth losing for another. I guess that’s all have to say. I am sending hope out to the universe for your sake.
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A Broken Freindship

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I have been reflecting on a message I received from a friend a few days ago, David. Though, I admit David didn’t cut ties with me, I felt I had to make the hard decision to do so for a few personal reasons. A few weeks back David, his girlfriend Taylor and I planned to hang out at a restaurant. Which I admit I should have just canceled because I was not in the right headspace. I started having a bad panic attack and excused myself to go the bathroom to try to regulate myself. I did cry because I was overwhelmed. Then I came back and sat down for a little longer and I ended up excusing myself again and leaving all together. I was spiraling and couldn’t stop the panic attack. In that time frame Taylor in my perspective was overwhelming and just couldn’t read the room. The very first thing she said to me when I arrived was “I’m sorry I saw your messages I just been too stressed.” Then she spoke about all her stress and life without considering my feelings. She then eventually paused and...
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Emotional Storm

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Yesterday morning I woke up in a panic again. My heart racing, muscle tension, shaking, exhausted, irritable, restless, trouble concentrating and worry. I don’t recall what I dreamt but I felt it when I woke up. Admittingly, I struggled all day but tried to do various things such as cleaning, cooking, walking, sauna and working out. Trying to keep my focus on moving forward. I cried off and on all day in between activities. I even tried to write but I just couldn’t focus. I had racing thoughts I couldn’t organize due to my anxiety. I am trying so hard to live a “normal” life while battling some of the biggest demons within me. Demons that live with in me are feelings of immense guilt, shame, embracement, and anger. All accumulation of rejection, loss and confusion. Honestly, even now I don’t have the right words to express all that I am feeling. I still have racing thoughts and feelings swirling around me. It feels like a hurricane coming in and destroying all the hard work I thought...
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Grief Is An Act Of Love

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 Grief Is An Act Of Love “Grief is the last act of love we can give to our loved ones that we cared so deeply about. Where there is deep grief there was great love. A hero’s journey with great sorrow.” Being told to move on and let go diminishes the experiences you once had with past loved ones. You don’t have to move on to make space to love others. Your love is ever expansive, adding to future connections. Letting go is about learning to let go of the expectations of the future that you were planning to have with them. It’s learning to let go of our fear, guilt, shame or other hurtful feelings associated with loss. Continuously learning to be inspired by the memories and connection while also knowing that it changed form; bringing joy and sorrow together. As we talk about them, we are creating new memories and honoring the time we had. Learning to appreciate how precious time really is. Time is one of the most valuable irreplaceable assets we have. Grief is like ocean wav...
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Thought Dump

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Last night was strange. I’ve had a projector for months now and it has never turned on itself. Not even once. Last night when I was about to fall asleep it turned on but it didn’t turn on all the way. All I could hear is a commercial like video playing without the video aspect. It didn’t even make that obnoxious rising air sound. It was clear like when you turn on a tv. I officially turned it on to see what it was playing, and there was nothing in my history besides me watching Jamie French videos and SNL skits. Then I had such a strange dream about my ex. He was mentally and emotionally struggling more than he had ever struggled before. I remember he told me the house was a mess and that he couldn’t fully keep up with it. He was isolating more and was hard on himself. That’s all I could really remember besides him saying something about therapy and how his therapist noticed a drastic change in character. Sometimes dreams are metaphors for how you internally feel. I know that I dre...
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