JhonRae's Blog

 The other day a friend and I were talking about grief expressing how each of us has processed emotions pertaining to loss. They stated, “I wish I could have done more.” I without a second thought said, “you did what you knew and that’s everything.” As the day passed, I realized it was so easy for me to give them more grace than what I could ever give myself. I have been so hard on myself when it comes to all that I have lost throughout the years. I truly never gave myself as much love, compassion, empathy and grace for each of the losses I’ve experienced. I always had doubts that crept up taking away from the true authentic connection I had with each individual or creature. I was so focused on the “what if’s or could be’s.” I couldn’t see past the doubt to realize I did all that I knew in those moments and that was everything.

I exist in many forms. I am all at once all the things that have been said. I am all the things that I’ve experienced past, present and future. I am. I am the very being that is inside of me. While I am all of everyone and thing. I am unknown and unseen. Yet, I am known and seen. I am. I am a passing thought. I am memory. I am perceived in ways I will never experience. However, I experience. I am.

Today, I cried again thinking about Kitty and how she died and that she isn’t with me in the way I want her to be. I scrolled through pictures of Kitty and Bruno and just sobbed. I think it’s been over 6 months now and I am still grieving. I get flashbacks that keep haunting me. I have keep reminding myself I did what I could for her. Then I feel bad I left Bruno. I just want to hug him tightly for my comfort because he would rather play. Then later today I decided to message to see if I could see him while I was in town. My ex declined but wasn’t rude about it by any means. However, I am confused because last time he stated, “I am not here to gatekeep you from seeing him.” My mind is racing about why he changed his mind. I keep thinking about what I did to provoke this change. Is it because I asked to stop by to say hi to him and Bruno? Is it because the last time he saw me he thought he could handle seeing me? Did I say something wrong? All I could do is say “thank you.” Panic star...

This will be my 3 rd post in one day because I apparently have a lot I want to say. I just got back from a walk and reflected as I usually do. I was mostly thinking about epilepsy and how it has impacted my life and so many. I recently learned that someone I knew passed away from complications due to epilepsy. I hate that they ended up being a statistic of SUDEP. Something that I have feared for myself.   August 14th, 2026, Remembering a soul that was kind, giving, creative and wanted to be accepted. To honor and help them pass to the other side learn to make a paper crane. That was their specialty and something they were passionate about.

I was supposed to get a tattoo, and I was actually very excited because it was offered to me for free and he is a wonderful artist. Funny enough, he was the one that offered to do the tattoo for me. I never asked him. A few days later or so, we were working on the drawing and he said, “maybe we can have sex for a tip.” Honestly, I didn’t call him out on that. I didn’t say anything but rather sat with that comment for a few days or so. I ended up sending him a voice note telling him kindly that I declined the tattoo. I told him I appreciated the offer but also told him that I didn’t appreciate that he asked me for sex. I explained that I am trying to change my life for the better and I felt that he thought he had a window of opportunity because of my vulnerable state of not having income. We never once were intimate and it’s disheartening to me that people take advantage of others even when at first it doesn’t seem like that. I acknowledge that I am not perfect and my situation is n...

Today I got the privilege to celebrate my family friend’s birthday! It brought me joy to make her earrings and see how much she lit up! What a wonderful moment. I wanted to share something that she wrote to me. “I’m deeply grateful we’ve found our way back to each other. Now we get to choose to be honest and share with each other. I’m here, as your chosen sister, and I’m honored to walk with you as you work through all of this. I absolutely adore you, and I love you so much. You are not alone in this, ever.” She messaged me sometime ago and wrote that. It truly means the world to me because I told her I felt bad that we were separated due to circumstances. She has all been so kind, genital, understanding, compassionate and supportive. I am truly blessed that we did find our way back to each other. Happy Birthday, soul sister.

I just saw a hummingbird at my window! I live in a big city and did not expect that, especially when no one is allowed any kind of bird feeders at my complex. That was amazing! The moment I saw it I thought of Brandon. I wanted to text/call him to tell him about it. Yesterday was his birthday. I did text him because I wanted to honor the fact he didn’t want to celebrate or anything. I hope he did but part of me doubts it. Last time I saw him I could see defeat in his face. I wanted to hug all his pain away even though we separated and I have unresolved conflict. He told me, “You know you love someone when they make you that upset.” Okay maybe not exact quote but I think I got the idea of it down. Anyways, I agree with that. I agree there is a lot of passion behind it all and I will always love him. To be fully transparent I will never give up on him or walk away. I can only hope someday we can talk about my perception of unresolved conflicts and come to an understanding. Sometime...

I went for a walk the other day and I saw an older gentleman experiencing homelessness crying on the side of the road. Admittingly I was going to keep walking but I decided to approach him. I asked if I could sit with him and we talked for over an hour. Jeff a 61-year-old man told me what was in his heart and what was eating at him. As I was listening to him, I could see the immense pain and anger he felt. Jeff told me “It’s brave of you to come talk to me. Most people wouldn’t.” You know he is right, not a lot of people would. Which is unfortunate. Just because we don’t know someone doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to have community and to be acknowledged. He deserves to be seen even if his reality is different than mine. It’s unfortunate that there is a lot of misunderstanding of why someone is experiencing homelessness. Jeff is struggling with addiction, trauma, and psychosis of some sort. During our conversation I could hear the inconsistency, paranoia, and delusions he was expe...

24 years ago, today on August 12, 2002, my mom passed away in my arms. I was just 11 years old. Something that is forever imprinted into my very soul.   December 5 th , 1994 Again, I’m late-sorry. But I have not forgotten about last week, Nov 30 th . As usually, we had fun, but no order. You were busy with so much from puzzles to puppets. When you read this all by yourself, you must tell me what you remembered and liked doing the most. Lately, you have been telling me what’s in your heart. It all sounds so wonderful that I believe you are an angel from heaven. I am blessed. Mama   I never got a chance to tell her what’s in my heart. I suppose on here I can send it to the universe in hopes someone hears me. Lately, it’s been tough for various reasons. I notice I have extreme lows often to the point I can’t function fully. Today is one of those days. I’ve been in my apartment most of the day thinking about how my life turned out. Cried for some time holding my stuf...

My eldest sister has been messaging me lately and I wanted to write about a dream she shared with me. She told me “You showed up at my house. We hadn’t seen or talked in 10 years. So broken and lonely and scared. You came to me because mom had come to you in a dream and told you to go to your sister she has what you need. She has what your heart needs to heal. You guys need each other. And you came. I woke up right after that. With the urgency to text you. It may be just a dream but I needed to at least tell you are loved, beautiful, and you are not alone.” I wrote this exactly how she messaged me because it’s something I don’t want to forget. Though my sister and I have had many differences and disagreements my heart is always with her. It’s frustrating because I get glimpse of my sister and then it goes away due to mental health or addiction. It’s a different kind of pain and loss when you watch some you love deeply come in and out of reality. I wish I could take all that away fr...

 I am running. No, sprinting. I can’t catch my breath. As I stop for a moment to look back my shadow is still behind me taunting me. I start to run again thinking this time I will escape. Then as my body is giving out, I start to laugh. Partially from exhaustion. Also, because it occurs to me that I can’t outrun my past. With the little energy that I have left I turn and I face my shadow. As I stare with frustration, hurt, sadness, rejection, failure, embarrassment, shame, guilt and hate then I realize my shadow wasn’t taunting me. It was trying to catch up to let me know I am not alone. I haven’t given myself time to breathe and take a moment to see another perspective. The perspective that my shadow is not my enemy but my companion that knows my past, present and future. It walks with me. Not against me.

 I am short but stand tall. My body is my temple and a safe place to look inward. My walk mimics the knowledge I carry. My voice reveals resiliency and commitment. My handshake shows strength and leadership. My eyes display curiosity and creativity. My smile demonstrates empathy and trust. My laughter reveals passion, love and humor. My arms produce a sense of comfort and compassion. My legs illustrate and guide opportunity. My feet provide foundation and stability.

Loving someone is a choice. A choice to try to understand their perspective. The willingness to take initiative to notice what is important in a moment’s time. Compromising the nuances. Taking a step back to self-reflect and take accountability of the part you’ve played in the miscommunications and lack of understanding. Learning to be patient when times are tough. Love is ever evolving that comes with growth, understanding, compassion, patients, and sometimes the ultimate sacrifice; letting go. Letting go of what you once knew or understood. Letting go and setting them free to be authentically happy despite it hurting. Love isn’t just about finding the “one” but rather a deep authentic connection even if it’s a moment in time. It still lasts a lifetime. A lifetime of memories, joy, connection, growth, problem solving, safety, comfort, and stability. While also unmasking and showing the other side. Unmasking hurt, sadness, confusion, miscommunication, disagreements, lack of account...

I found out my good friend has cancer. I have been crying off and on about it. I know not to cry in front of him and I won’t. I won’t cry because I don’t want to project my personal fears on to him. That just wouldn’t be fair. Also, I feel like such an asshole because just a month prior they found a mass on my kidney and they weren’t sure if it was cancerous. I remember not being so kind to myself about the whole situation. I know what I said hurt others that care about me. I acknowledge all of it. Admittingly though I wish it wasn’t him and it was me that has cancer. I can only pray to the universe that he is going to be okay. I am tired of watching everyone I love get cancer and this does weigh heavy on me, and I don’t have anyone to just cry with. It just hurts so much. All I can do is put on that poker face and when I am alone just cry and vent on here to random strangers. To quote him "we don't get to choose."

 I was asked what makes me feel seen and valued? I told them I needed to reflect on that question. I think I needed to hold space for myself given all that has happened throughout my life. As I reflected on the question I realized I feel seen when someone takes initiative to remember the things that are important to me (even if they don’t like it). Acknowledging my experiences even if they can’t feel or see it themselves. Sometimes we tend to invalidate others because we don’t understand their mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing. Especially, if it’s something you never came across or even experienced. I wrote once, “it’s easier to say hurtful things to someone/something you don’t like. I haven’t liked myself in a long time for various reasons. I never befriended myself.” So, if I can invalidate and hide myself from the world wouldn’t it be easy for a friend, family member or stranger to do it just as easy? So, I guess what I am saying is that there isn’t a simple answer ...

 What does it mean to be scared? The thought of losing loved ones. Making nearly impossible decisions. Being physically and mentally assaulted. Running from a home you built with someone. Telling a person, you respect and love that you’re pregnant. Having a miscarriage that almost killed you. Being diagnosed with a chronic condition(s). Finding what love means while keeping others at a distance. Trying to find yourself in a world you feel rejected by. Waking up knowing that you are a walking contradiction. Looking in the mirror to face unspoken truths. Learning to be brave.

  I am lost for words with too many racing thoughts. My mind keeps going back to the ER doctor telling me they found 1 inch mass in my left kidney. I think one of the worst part is coming home with no one to hold me and tell me they love me in a time when I feel the most vulnerable. I guess I deserve this. I do want to acknowledge I have good supportive friends but sometimes you just need more.

 Recently I met someone that has continuously challenged me in ways I never thought I would experience. They some how gently nudge me to see the “flaws” in my thought process while still having the ability to see my perspective. Admittingly, it feels strange and foreign to me. They appear to have this deep understanding on how to recognize hidden or unspoken emotions. Today, they kindly said “I think you love your ex and that’s okay I get it. Even if you don’t admit it, I know.” They told me it’s the way I talk about him. Honestly, as I reflect on their observation, I can’t not deny that I love him. I am still trying to protect his heart by sacrificing mine. As I reflect on my definition of love, I realize that it’s never linear but rather ambiguous because it’s confusing and open to many interpretations. However, I do know when I say I love you, I mean it to my core. That’s why I don’t say it often because most of the time it’s not reciprocated. So, I hold on strongly to the o...

The other day my former partner informed me that my family invited him to Easter. Which I 100% support because I see him as family and will always be in my life. However, we both agreed that it’s incredibly messed up that they didn’t invite me. Which unfortunately the truth is they’ve been like that towards me for years. I feel I have been the “monster or villain” no matter what I say and do. I am always an afterthought to them. Of course, that hurts and it sucks to constantly be reminded in some way you will never be enough for your own family to accept you. Another thing that stings is that my birthday is close to Easter. So, I will be spending my birthday and Easter alone for the first time. I always had my partner and precious creatures to greet me at the door. This year I will come home to silence and knowing I never crossed my family’s mind during this time. 

 Earlier this morning I got to see my Kitty in my dreams. I was watching her fixated on some shadows from the blinds blowing in the wind. I remember feeling this immense love I have always had for her. I grabbed her and kissed her on the back like I always did. Then my alarm woke me up from a dream that I wanted to last a lifetime. I miss her so much.    

 I hold secrets you will never hear. You will assume. I hold pain that you could never bare. You will assume. I look beautiful. You will assume. I look innocent and naive. You will assume. I look put together. You will assume. Assumptions blind us from the truth.

Definition of bravery is to show mental or moral strength when facing danger, fear or difficulty. I was told I was brave. Brave when I lost my mom. Brave when I was homeless. Brave being a foster kid. Brave living in a shelter. Brave being sexually assaulted. Brave for having epilepsy. Brave getting out of abusive relationships. Brave quitting a job. Brave for sticking up for myself to bullies. Brave for being a woman in this society. Brave for helping my uncle in his last days. As I reflect on the definition of bravery in the context of my life I come to the realization that I was surviving. I didn’t get to chose to be “brave.” It was forced upon me. The symptoms of “bravery” is shedding tears, making impossible decisions, starting over, panic attacks, self-doubt, self-hatred, anger, disappointment, fear, rejection, nightmares, disease, chronic pain, setting boundaries and heartache.     I don’t want to be brave anymore.  

I am unique. So, I was told. I am different. So, I was told. I am brave. So, I was told. I am beautiful. So, I was told. I am creative. So, I was told. I am intelligent. So, I was told. I am funny. So, I was told. I am a fighter. So, I was told. I cry nearly every day. So, here I am. I feel deeply. So, here I am. I have barriers to tall to jump. So, here I am. I think about everything. So, here I am. I have deep wounds that won't close. So, here I am. I feel like a monster. So, here I am. I joke to mask the pain. So, here I am. I lose sight and energy for hope. So, here I am. Can you see me now? Can you see that my pain is what you admire?   

December 2025 can go F itself. I know that’s bold for me to say but it is my truth. I lost my Kitty on December 3 rd , a family friend on the 15 th and Christmas day brought my dad to the ER. December 2025 wasn’t so kind. Just before December I was planning on moving away to reboot and start over again. I planned on bringing my beloved Kitty with me. I had her over 10 years and she was the love of my life, and I cried for a few weeks. Then a family friend passed away and I went to honor them in the only way I knew how at the ICU days before they passed. I didn't have time to cry because I had to focus on packing and moving since it was already in the works before all of this.  When Christmas approached my dad called and appeared confused and told me he could barely walk. He was what is called acute kidney injury and was severely dehydrated. I remember while I was visiting him he teared up for the first time and asked me if Dee Dee was okay and expressed concern. I didn't tel...

 M, I wanted to write a thank you letter for all that you have done for me thus this far. You listened to me rant, cry, swear, and become extremely passionate and spicy about various topics. We weren’t fully able to process my past traumas due to current events in my life and that’s okay. I learned that if you are able to process current trauma (s) with someone safe and talk about it, it’s less impactful in the future. It doesn't make it any easier, but it is helpful long term. I am sure you already know this. Anyways, I wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you and acknowledge the type of therapist I see. I know most of the work is on me and not you. However, like I said, you were and are a safe person and that goes miles. Maybe about two but that’s about it. JK. M, you have and will continue to do amazing things for so many! Don’t let it get to your head! Always stay humble, curious, compassionate, and flexible with a hint of spicy. Like Jalapeno level spicy. Unless it...

 The past 3 years have been tough on me for various reasons that I seem I cannot shake. The two main topics is when I cheated and when my uncle Jerome passed away. I have realized these two events changed me in ways that I wish I could reverse. The cheating and Jerome’s passing have been unresolved issues for me despite the various times I tried to reconcile. I still feel like my nervous system is dysregulated more often than not. As I was listening to a podcast the other day this person quoted “you have to actively repair the threat associations that your brain has built up around each other. It takes both partners to acknowledge the specific wounds each partner has created without turning it into a blame system.” This resonated with me deeply. I realized that the lead up to the cheating, the cheating itself and Jerome’s passing are deep wounds that I carry around every day. As I was listening to the podcast it spoke about invalidation, unresolved conflicts, emotional withdraw...

  Critical thinking : Skillfully analyzing, evaluating, and synthesizing information to form a judgement or solve a problem. Logical thinking : Analyzing information, facts, and evidence to reach a conclusion and identifying cause and effect without emotions. Emotional thinking : Is based on a person’s feelings than objective facts. This can lead to biases, personal values and beliefs. Emotional intelligence : Ability to understand and manage own emotions, while recognizing how your emotions influence or affect others. Linear thinking: Step by step approach to problem solving where one idea logically leads to the next. Very structured, strait line, and follows a clear path that leads to an answer. Intelligence : Learn, understand, and reason quickly and effectively. Ability to adapt to new situations, solve problems, and make decisions. Traits (curiosity, critical thinking, self-awareness, and willingness to learn and revise beliefs.) Stupidity: Having or showing lac...

Forgiveness is about peace within yourself and reciliation is about healing the relationship. Forgiveness itself can’t heal a relationship. When someone has broken your trust in a large or small way over time forgiveness is a choice to cancel out the wound they have caused. It’s not about forgetting about the wound that was caused. It’s about a choice to not carry the bitterness, shame, and the weight of their actions. Reconciliation is about healing the relationship and granting that person access back into your life. Access has to be earned by rebuilding trust. It takes that person to understand how they have hurt you and get curious about your pain. They don’t just say “I’m sorry you got hurt’ they step into your perspective. The remorse and repair isn’t just with words but with consistent change in behavior. They validate your pain as real. When we try to reconcile with someone that has no interest in taking accountability or having curiosity, we feel even more abandoned than bef...