JhonRae's Blog

About a week ago I told someone I love rubies as they are my favorite stone. I’ve always wanted a real ruby. Well, yesterday evening I said f-it and got a ring. It may not be “responsible” of me to buy something expensive in the time I need a job and money. However, I came to realize that I worked hard for the money I saved as I watch it dwindle. I worked hard for my master’s degree as I continuously get rejected. I worked hard to have a home and lost it to blind faith that I was investing in another. I figured if life keeps going in this direction, I will end up homeless, but I will still have something I always wanted. So, here I say f***to being responsible. I want to enjoy something no one can take away from me.

Dear mom, My anxiety hasn’t gone away. Maybe it never will. I feel a sense of worthlessness every day. I have been trying to distract myself but as we both know distractions are just that, just a distraction. The other day in therapy I cried so hard and I told my therapist I don’t like crying in front of people. When he asked me why, I cried even harder. I couldn’t get my words out right away. As tears ran down my face, I explained to him my dad used to make fun of me slamming the door in my face. I never really felt comfortable around others when I cried after living with him. I feel like even now many people are not genuine when they are trying to “comfort” me. I am not naive I know when someone is trying to “comfort” me in a selfish manner vs when they authentically care. I may be traumatized but many truths live at the same time. Mom, I don’t know how to keep moving forward or even have the energy to do so. I have been ignoring my mail, distancing myself from others to some cap...

Have you ever felt like no matter where you go and who you meet, you just don’t belong? I feel that nearly every day. My friend Daniel asked me the other day “why are you so kind? You had such a hard life.” I responded by saying “I must be crazy.” Then I asked him the same question and he said, “it’s easy to be mean but it’s harder to be kind.” As I sit here crying and reflecting on what he said, he is right, it’s easy to be mean and it takes so much effort to be kind in a world that is so harsh. All I ever wanted was to be loved as I have tried to love others. I’m starting to believe I am not worth loving. When people come across me all they see is a broken woman. Not denying that I had a good share of hurt but I like to think I have things to offer and that maybe someone would think I am worth the time and investment. Whether it’s family, friends, neighbors, places of work or romantically. So, I guess for anyone feeling alone in a world that keeps trying to take you down; you’re no...

I wanted to acknowledge it’s my dog’s birthday this month. He will be 10 years old! It’s been about two months since the last time I got to see him. I miss him dearly and think about him every day. I miss being rowdy and playful with him. Bruno has endless energy. Playfulness is his whole being and I hope that he is doing well and that he is getting all the love and treats he can get. I wish I could see him and let him know I love him to the ends of the earth. It hurts because I know we all lost each other in different ways. Brandon, Kitty and Bruno were my family. A family I will never forget. Bruno, I am sorry I am not there and I know that you feel it as I do too. Love you with all my heart and soul.

I wanted to share some dreams I had of my uncle Jerome over the past few years. I want to be able to look back and remember how special they were to me. 1 st dream was sometime after his passing. I would dream he was sitting beside my bed watching over me. It was unspoken love and reassurance that he was okay. Again, it was a realistic dream because I remember I had my eyes open and seeing my room, but he was there watching me. It did bring me some peace of mind that I did do what I could for him. 2 nd dream I started walking up a long staircase and, on each side, there was a bunch of people lined up against the wall. Again, no one spoke. However, I knew they were people he had touched in some fashion. They were all there to show me how impactful he truly was. As I finally started to make it to the top of the stairs. I asked, “where’s my uncle.” They just looked down towards the hallway, and I saw him walking in silence. He had his hands behind his back as he slowly shuffled his ...

I had some issues last night. Feeling lightheaded and weak with a strange sensation running throughout my body. I feel that right now. That is the reality of having epilepsy. Also, I had such a strange out-of-body dream. I knew I was sleeping but I stood up and staired into my living room. I heard a man’s voice that sounded like my dad. I remember feeling frightened and uneasy. I just stood there staring. I don’t know how long from the time I stood there scared to waking up in my bed in a panic. It was early in the morning around 3 or 4 when I officially woke up. After I woke up in a panic, I still felt scared and turned on my light for the remainder of the morning. I used to do this as a kid at my dad’s house. I would be so panicked that I slept with the light on all night and still always woke up scared. I also used to sleepwalk, and I think the last time I did I was in my early 20’s when I was living at Life House for homeless youth. To be completely honest I forgot I used to do...

I'm I unreasonable in a reasonable world? Or do I live in a unreasonable world as I am reasonable?  Most of the time I ponder this and I am starting to come to the conclusion that it's all in perspective. I am both unreasonable and reasonable while also unsure at the same time. Given so much that has happened and continues to happen does the question really matter in the end? It's a battle between endless perspectives and opinions. I am all at once all the things thought and said while simultaneously something unsaid or thought of. I live in an existence with many ideas and concepts beyond true comprehension. 

Brenda, my foster mom, messaged me on October 12 th and asked how I was doing and said she was just checking up on me. You know under “normal” circumstances I wouldn’t mind her messaging me because I would think she actual cared. However, that day was her birthday, and I didn’t say or acknowledge it in any capacity. Out of all the days, weeks, or even months she ironically just wanted to see how I was doing that particular day? Then the next day I got a missed call from my dad and heard his voice mail. I didn’t even bother calling him back. I am literally sick of people thinking something is “wrong” with me and making me feel like I am “crazy.” The only damn reason she reached out is because I didn’t acknowledge her birthday and it’s just a sick game. It is so easy for them to leave me out or forget about me when it comes to “family” gatherings, events, celebrations, and vacations. However, when it’s their time and I don’t acknowledge them, I am the one unstable or I am someone they...

To my ex, If you ever happen to read this, I want to say I am sorry for my broken heart. However, I can’t be sorry for how it broke. My life prior to you was filled with chaos, which I don’t need to tell you, you already know. Then you came along and brought a glimmer of peace into my life. Filled with laughter, love, understanding, compassion, and joy. It also came with misunderstandings, differences in communication, lack of accountability, loss of compassion, love and even possible friendship. I know that I wasn’t perfect, especially in the beginning of our relationship. I had so much anxiety even thinking about trusting you or letting you into my heart. The experiences I had with others I projected on to you. That was and is a continuous lesson I need to learn is that not everyone is unsafe but also not “perfect.” Fast forwarding to the moment I told you I cheated. I told you because I couldn’t bare not telling you what I have done. I like to think I hold myself to a standard...

Accountability is the willingness to accept responsibility. You said he isn’t manly enough. I heard you. You said you wanted a man who makes more money. I heard you. You said you care and want to listen. I see contradictions. You are careless with others boundaries. You expect everyone to honor yours. You want to be seen and heard. I see you demand center of attention. Your expectations are high. I see you expect everyone to conform to you. You are perceived as “unique.” I see it’s just a mask.   He called me crying multiple times because he was confused and hurt. I listened. He disclosed things he can never say to you. I listened. He takes responsibility for your bad behavior. I see manipulation growing. He makes excuses of why you don’t listen. I see gaslighting. He is willing to conform to you no matter what. He is your puppet and you’re the master. He is easily persuaded. I see he manipulates the situation to fit the narrative you want. He is stres...

Dear David, Your response again was taking blame for Taylor’s continuous bad behavior. I highlighted things that you’ve told me, I’ve heard and witnessed and there is nothing I can do or say at this point. I hope this relationship is worth losing for another. I guess that’s all have to say. I am sending hope out to the universe for your sake.

I have been reflecting on a message I received from a friend a few days ago, David. Though, I admit David didn’t cut ties with me, I felt I had to make the hard decision to do so for a few personal reasons. A few weeks back David, his girlfriend Taylor and I planned to hang out at a restaurant. Which I admit I should have just canceled because I was not in the right headspace. I started having a bad panic attack and excused myself to go the bathroom to try to regulate myself. I did cry because I was overwhelmed. Then I came back and sat down for a little longer and I ended up excusing myself again and leaving all together. I was spiraling and couldn’t stop the panic attack. In that time frame Taylor in my perspective was overwhelming and just couldn’t read the room. The very first thing she said to me when I arrived was “I’m sorry I saw your messages I just been too stressed.” Then she spoke about all her stress and life without considering my feelings. She then eventually paused and...

Yesterday morning I woke up in a panic again. My heart racing, muscle tension, shaking, exhausted, irritable, restless, trouble concentrating and worry. I don’t recall what I dreamt but I felt it when I woke up. Admittingly, I struggled all day but tried to do various things such as cleaning, cooking, walking, sauna and working out. Trying to keep my focus on moving forward. I cried off and on all day in between activities. I even tried to write but I just couldn’t focus. I had racing thoughts I couldn’t organize due to my anxiety. I am trying so hard to live a “normal” life while battling some of the biggest demons within me. Demons that live with in me are feelings of immense guilt, shame, embracement, and anger. All accumulation of rejection, loss and confusion. Honestly, even now I don’t have the right words to express all that I am feeling. I still have racing thoughts and feelings swirling around me. It feels like a hurricane coming in and destroying all the hard work I thought...

 Grief Is An Act Of Love “Grief is the last act of love we can give to our loved ones that we cared so deeply about. Where there is deep grief there was great love. A hero’s journey with great sorrow.” Being told to move on and let go diminishes the experiences you once had with past loved ones. You don’t have to move on to make space to love others. Your love is ever expansive, adding to future connections. Letting go is about learning to let go of the expectations of the future that you were planning to have with them. It’s learning to let go of our fear, guilt, shame or other hurtful feelings associated with loss. Continuously learning to be inspired by the memories and connection while also knowing that it changed form; bringing joy and sorrow together. As we talk about them, we are creating new memories and honoring the time we had. Learning to appreciate how precious time really is. Time is one of the most valuable irreplaceable assets we have. Grief is like ocean wav...

Last night was strange. I’ve had a projector for months now and it has never turned on itself. Not even once. Last night when I was about to fall asleep it turned on but it didn’t turn on all the way. All I could hear is a commercial like video playing without the video aspect. It didn’t even make that obnoxious rising air sound. It was clear like when you turn on a tv. I officially turned it on to see what it was playing, and there was nothing in my history besides me watching Jamie French videos and SNL skits. Then I had such a strange dream about my ex. He was mentally and emotionally struggling more than he had ever struggled before. I remember he told me the house was a mess and that he couldn’t fully keep up with it. He was isolating more and was hard on himself. That’s all I could really remember besides him saying something about therapy and how his therapist noticed a drastic change in character. Sometimes dreams are metaphors for how you internally feel. I know that I dre...

It’s been three weeks since I haven't said anything to my friend David. It saddens me that he has not tried to reach out because he knows I am struggling. However, I know I am not his responsibility but also on the same hand I think that’s what friends do, they show up for each other even through tough times. I think part of it is because of his girlfriend to be completely honest. He always knew how I felt about her and this time I realized I just don’t want to continuously make myself anxious or uncomfortable to try to be “friends” with her. Just to make him comfortable. The last time I saw them the very first thing Taylor acknowledged is that she read my texts but was too “stressed” to respond. Honestly, I don’t respect her for various reasons, and I don’t like seeing her using my friend. While he continuously makes excuses for her bad behavior. To be completely honest he is choosing to lose a good friend because he won’t address how she interacts with others. I can’t fake trying...

You know I have been looking for a job and something I always heard is social workers can work in anywhere including schools. Well, I just found out one very big reason I keep getting rejecting every time I apply as a social worker in a school district. Apparently, you must have different credentials because having your master’s in social work isn’t enough. You must obtain more education and get certified to be able to work in a school as a social worker. So, paying nearly 100,000 for my education is not enough. Also, why the hell did professors not inform anyone there were extra requirements. Clearly, you can’t just work anywhere. It’s such a slap in the face knowing that a few places were interested in me and the last one finally gave me context to why they didn’t hire me. Literally what the actual fuck. I am sitting here thinking what the hell is wrong with me when I just didn’t have the whole picture. I swear to the high heavens if I ever get my independent licensure, I will make a...

You’re in pursuit. I am the prey. Your appetite is too big. Mine is reserved. Your ego is high. Mine is lost. Your fantasies are my nightmare. Your complements are deceptive. I see right through you. Your hidden agenda is a game. I see you performing. Your actions are impactful. I see your internal purpose. Your patterns are never mistaken. I see your true character. Your behavior exposes you. You are a product of your environment.

Today I went for my daily walk. In the park, I noticed a wellness gathering of some sort. After my walk I decided to join with no expectation but rather curiosity. I want to share the guided meditation I did while sitting in the grass and soaking up the sun. I closed my eyes and my mind drifted. I was standing in the park and as I looked down, I saw $100 in the grass. I started to walk towards $100 until I noticed a little girl in the distance walking towards me. As she approached closer, I saw it was my younger self. She looked peaceful. Now, I had a choice to pick up the $100 or walk with my younger self. I chose to walk with her leaving the $100 behind. We went and sat on a swinging bench laughing. We didn’t have much to say to each other because we already understood one another. We just enjoyed each other’s company while swinging in the sun. I looked to my right, and I saw my mom, uncle Jerome and Kitty watching us. They too were smiling towards us as Kitty sat there looking w...

Dear mom, I haven’t written to you in a while. I guess I just wanted to say what’s on my mind this morning. I have been in bed pretty much all morning and I started to get ready to go for my daily walk. However, my headphones were dead. So, here I am waiting listening to music and letting my mind wonder off. You know the other day I was actually proud of myself. I decided to make a decision to end being a SB. Admittingly, it ate at me because that isn’t who I am and I spiraled because I was scared to lose my money, I worked hard to save. However, I concluded that I would rather have my dignity and gamble, losing everything. I am still actively looking for a job and I have two possibilities. Though, as we know, just because they say they like me it doesn’t mean I will get the job. I wish I could have known you longer. What I remember of you and what others say, you sound like one hell of a force to be reckoned with. You were passionate, kind, smart, encouraging, sacrificing, stron...

I can’t breathe; there isn’t enough oxygen. I can’t stand; I’m losing my footing. I can’t see; I’m losing focus. I can’t think; there is too much noise. I can’t hear; everyone is talking. I can’t taste; life seems so dull. I can’t feel; I’m shutting down.

I woke up this morning thinking about if I regret writing certain things in my blog. I was questioning myself and then I came across how this woman posts every day on Facebook. The good, the bad and the ugly unapologetically. She spoke about how raw and real it is despite what others may think. Yes, of course I have doubts. Well, every day to be completely honest. However, as doubt tries to persuade me in many directions, I need to continue to tell my truth even if it’s scary or if others reject me. I am learning that rejection from others isn’t nearly as painful as rejecting myself. Hopefully, what I express on here provokes curiosity vs judgement. Though, I am not the deciding factor on how anyone perceives me.

Learning how to play chess. A smile slowly creeps up. A possible opportunity. Wait. Wrong move. My turn comes up again. I take a pawn. Critical thinking is necessary. Desperation is starting to dissipate. There is hope. Slowly gaining control. Now, I am cornered with one piece left. What’s my move? Keep performing a dance I can’t dance? I chose to surrender with dignity and try again.

 I said no but you kept pursuing. Worn down and trapped. I said I didn’t like it, you said it was fine. I wasn’t getting through. Thoughts dismissed, replaced with hesitation. The pressure is heavy. I was in a strange place, manipulating the scene. Coercion is not consent. As I reflect on this poem in the context of my life and other’s experiences, I realize how common it is to downplay what really happened. Victims blame themselves. Shame, fear, and embarrassment are involved. Not recognizing what happened due to manipulation and pressure. Then you add trauma responses to the situation and that can affect how someone remembers or even talks about it. I want to remind anyone that has ever experienced this, it has nothing to do with your intellect. Admittingly, I have downplayed my own experiences for various reasons. I remember I told my friend David about some of the experiences, but I kept downplaying it because I already felt weak and defeated. I felt dumb that...

I was watching small clips of carrot in a box game and as I was laughing. It reminded me of when my ex and I played Battleship. For the 10 years we were together he never beat me. Not once. I started reminiscing and giggling to myself about how sometimes he thought I was cheating because I would just massacre his ship quickly. It was a random but significant memory for me. I guess I just wanted to write down a happy memory today because it’s been so gloomy lately.

Lately I have been thinking of my dad. I think part of it is because of the people I meet, what is said and not said. I’ve met people that talk about how they want to have a family or ones that are already established one. Both are amazing to want and to have. However, I am in a different category. I can’t and don’t want children for various reasons. I think about how my very existence disgusted my father. He wrote me a few letters stating how he wished I was never born or I wasn’t his child. I was about 12-13 years old when he would write me letters of disgust towards me. He also stated once that he felt anger that everyone but him received money to have me. He was referring to my mom and my different foster homes. Actually, one of my foster mom’s did a similar thing. I was about 16 years old walking past her office and I over her talking to someone on the phone. She stated, “I need more foster kids I am making a lot of money.” I never told her even to this day that I overheard what...

 I went to therapy the other day for the first time in almost a year. I was able to make a same day appointment thankfully because to be completely transparent I was uncontrollably sobbing after the strange interview I had. Later I messaged an acquaintance and told her what happened more in-depth. Even though I acknowledge that I was having anxiety during the interview she told me “I’m frustrated for you and with her. For what it’s worth it sounds more like the problems were more tied to where she was at than your actions.” I don’t know if this is true. However, I do agree that during an interview an interviewer should never just say well we are not hiring. She wasted my time and hers. Again, I will admit I am not perfect, but I feel like others have continuously treated me as if I have no clue what I am doing. Also, I do want to reflect back and note that I did call this employer a few days prior to this interview introducing myself. I want to remember how she made me feel just ...

Two nights ago, I woke up in a panic. I felt the same feelings I felt when I lost my mom, uncle and cat. I was re-living those moments of feeling as though it wasn’t real that they were gone. A deeper realization that is indescribable. My PTSD symptoms are really bad lately and it’s been getting harder to manage. I just want to be held and feel safe without judgement. 

I am a puppet and you are my master. I am a jester for your entertainment. I am your toy to play with as you wish. I am your barbie doll to tell me how to look. I am naive for you to teach me. I am weak for you to look strong. I am invisible for you to be seen. I am your fetish for you to feel secure. I am your trophy to prove status. I am vulnerable, for you to look like my savior.   This poem is inspired by accumulation of men I have met throughout my life and their perception of me in the context of how they want me to make them feel. In all reality I am none of these things. As Dolly Parton quoted “all these years, people think the joke has been on me, but it’s actually been on the public.”

 Oh, you are so pretty! Oh, your make-up! Oh, your hair! Oh, your curves! Oh, your smile! Oh, you look young! Oh, you have good genes! Oh, darling, my features remind me of a family that rejected me. Oh, darling my make-up is a way for me to escape from the ugliness I see. Oh, darling my hair is thinning because I can’t stop the stress. Oh, darling my curves are reminders of failed pregnancies. Oh, darling I am chasing youth that is compromising my mental wellbeing. Oh, darling I don’t think you realize what you’re saying. I am chronically ill.

Knock, knock. Me: What are you doing here Death? Death: I came here because I saw you put in an application a while ago. I wanted to interview to see if you qualify. Me: Qualify for what? A choice to die? Death: Yes, because I need to know you are competent, you have references and if anyone objects. Me: Oh, I’ve had many months to think about this. Why do I need references? Why would it matter if anyone objects? Isn’t it my choice in the end (pun not intended.) Death: Sometimes when you ponder something too long your perception becomes distorted. I want references to vouch for you to state that you are suffering enough to justify coming with me. I need to see if anyone objects because don’t you think their opinion matters? Me: This is dumb. Of course, people are going to object because they are pro-life and selfish to watch me suffer without trying to support me. No one has reached out to just give me money without wanting something in return. No one has asked me what I ...

Panic settles in as if we are good friends. Depression hovers over like a cloud thinking its covering me. Yet, it is suffocating. Shame is making itself known. Seeping through my words as I am desperately trying to convey my worth. Fear is next to me knocking down everything I thought I built. Tearing it all down effortlessly. Sadness is always behind me waiting to be triggered despite the desperate plea of trying to save myself.

We are bonded by blood. We are bonded by a shared history. We are bonded by ever changing dynamics. Stop. That’s where the bond ended. We are not bonded by mutual acceptance and choice to be sisters. We are not bonded by our present or future together. We are not bonded by respect, love, compassion, empathy but rather ever-changing chaos. Stop. This is where my personal story keeps going. I am bonded by my own inner being to be able to safely look inward. I am bonded by my personal experiences and perceptions of who I was, who I am and who I will become. I am bonded by my ever-changing curiosity about myself, family, friends, and acquaintances. Persist, full stop.

You know the other day I wrote in excitement about how my older sister has possibly changed. Well, I am not going to shame or feel dumb for falling for it. What I wrote was sincere, passionate, hopeful and full of acceptance and love. The other day my nephew called me for the first time concerned about his mom (my sister). He told me what was happening and I drove to them without a second thought. This is what I found out from a few different family members about my sister’s current state of mind. She has not ever been to therapy, she does still drink, smokes, and apparently does take pills not as prescribed. She also is losing any form of connection with all her kids. My niece and I sat down for a while and she told me some horrifying things she is saying and doing while also showing me pictures. Then I spoke to the kid’s dad, and he is fed up with her as well. I don’t blame any of them. My sister has never been “right” in the head for as long as I could remember. Despite all the ...

Are you hard working?  Not enough. Do you have good communication skills? Not enough. Do you have the ability to adapt and possess problem-solving skills? Not enough. Do you have experience? Not enough. Do you have a degree? Not enough. Do you know about trauma informed care? Not enough. What do I know? I know I continue to self-reflect and work on myself even when it’s hard. I know I communicate effectively while knowing that we can disagree and still be professional. I know I continuously have adapted to hard and unpredictable situations personally and professionally. I know I have my master’s degree and I'm a continuous learner. I know that I continuously learn to navigate my own trauma and keep working on myself while learning how to ground myself when I feel like I am fading away. I may not be the “ideal” candidate or interviewee in an interviewer’s eyes. However, I like to think that what I do know is important. What I have experienced is important. Wh...

Today my eldest sister reached out to me, and I didn’t hesitate to be there. We spoke for four long but good hours over the phone. I noticed a few changes in her that makes me so proud. She acknowledged the hurt she caused without me asking her to. Then she said “I am unstable and I can’t promise if I step out of line at times, but I would like you to tell me nicely when I do. It may take me time to realize it.” That is mothering fucking growth that I knew she was capable of! She's been sober for a few years now and realizes if she even drinks one beer she doesn’t feel right. It sounds to me she is finally working on herself despite health complications she's going through. She has continuously been in therapy for some time, and it sounds like she isn’t quitting on herself. I am so proud of her even if she doesn’t feel great right now. I had the privilege and honor to hear my sister again for who I always hoped and knew she could be. I know it’s going to be a bit chaotic re...

You know I go back and re-read my posts and realize continuous grammar errors. Despite me looking over them, multiple times before posting. Within my writing it exposes my learning difficulties while also expressing my humanity and life experiences. I hope this gives others hope and encouragement that you don’t need to fit in a “box” of any kind to be authentically you. You know if you actually listen to me speak, I tend to struggle with what is called spoonerisms. It’s a speech error that I unintentionally switch words, phrases and vowels around. Sometimes I don’t even realize I do it unless someone points it out to me. I like to write more because I can mindfully (for the most part) catch the errors and express myself in the way that I like to.

Someone posted this saying in a group that I follow. “The deepest pain is not losing someone, it’s realizing they never feared losing you.” This resonated with me deeply and profoundly. To me it speaks to people you thought loved and supported you while they have lacked the ability to see “value” or “worth” in who you are. Causing them to not fear losing you because they didn’t see your worth or value in the first place. Whether this applies to family, friends, romance, or otherwise. I want to preface that rejection isn’t about your actual value or worth but rather the inability to see who you are in all your complexities. I did post this on my social media but modified it to "protect" the ones that may contest to what I am speaking to. Funny, but in my past some of my foster parents encouraged me to write a book about my experiences. To be completely honest they wouldn't like half the things I have to say just as much as my actual family. People like to live blissf...

I’ve been struggling for months now and last night I had my cat Kitty visit me in my dream. She laid right next to me and we cuddled. I could hear, feel and smell her like she was next to me. I just sobbed while holding her and then I woke up with tears running down my face. I like to believe she came to comfort me in a time that I’ve been struggling with suicidal ideation. Also, the last few days prior to the dream I’ve had other things that could have been a sign that even my mom is telling me she is with me. Friday, Kiss from a Rose was the first song that played when I got home. Then Saturday I was at a restaurant in such a bad mood, but someone kept calling the name Linda. Linda was my mother’s name. Admittingly, I have been struggling with darker thoughts that seem to consume me more and more. I like to believe these are signs to let me know to keep moving on and don’t give up. I don’t understand what lessons I am supposed to learn in all this. I feel every emotion possible a...

I don’t need to hide from my past or eliminate my “baggage” to make someone else feel comfortable. I know who I am. I don’t need to be younger to prove my worth or to “fit” a mold or an idea. I don’t need to be able to bare children to pass down what I have learned. I want and deserve to be the imagined version that doesn’t have limitations, history, age, or difficult realities. Underneath it all is the lack of capacity to be curious, compassionate, and understanding. Whether it was intentional or unintentional. All that being said, any women feeling like you are not enough; I am here to say you are.

I needed words of affirmation. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to hear “I’m sorry” without excuses. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to see accountability without projection. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to see initiative to build safety and trust. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to be heard without pushing back. You spoke to my wounds. I needed validation to feel accepted. You spoke to my wounds. I needed empathy without judgement. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to hear you. Instead, I experienced defensiveness. You spoke to my wounds. My internal experiences are no one else’s to bare but my own. What wounds do you carry?  

To build a healthy foundation for any relationship such as family, friends or romance you need open communication, trust, mutual respect and the ability to build emotional safety. Open communication is about sharing thoughts and feelings without the fear of judgement. Trust is to have faith that individual is honest and sincere with their intentions and has your back. Mutual respect is setting boundaries, supporting each other’s opinions and perspectives while honoring and working through differences. Emotional safety is becoming vulnerable by opening up about fears, mistakes, rejection, judgement, stigma, and past hurt. As I continuously reflect on who I am and what I want in life I realize I don’t always apply these qualities to myself. I’ve lost faith in who I want to be. Lost trust in my abilities to overcome certain challenges. Rejecting different aspects of myself, and judging my past, present and future self. All parts of self-doubt that can be all consuming. I haven’t built...

 The other day a friend and I were talking about grief, expressing how each of us has processed emotions pertaining to loss. They stated, “I wish I could have done more.” I without a second thought said, “you did what you knew and that’s everything.” As the day past, I realized it was so easy for me to give them more grace than what I could ever give myself. I have been so hard on myself when it comes to all that I have lost throughout the years. I truly never gave myself as much love, compassion, empathy and grace for each of the losses I’ve experienced. I always had doubts that crept up taking away from the true authentic connection I had with each individual or creature. I was so focused on the “what if’s or could be’s.” I couldn’t see past the doubt to realize I did all that I knew in those moments and that was everything.

I exist in many forms. I am all at once all the things that have been said. I am all the things that I’ve experienced past, present and future. I am. I am the very being that is inside of me. While I am all of everyone and thing. I am unknown and unseen. Yet, I am known and seen. I am. I am a passing thought. I am memory. I am perceived in ways I will never experience. However, I experience. I am.

This will be my 3 rd post in one day because I apparently have a lot I want to say. I just got back from a walk and reflected as I usually do. I was mostly thinking about epilepsy and how it has impacted my life and so many. I recently learned that someone I knew passed away from complications due to epilepsy. I hate that they ended up being a statistic of SUDEP. Something that I have feared for myself.   August 14th, 2026, Remembering a soul that was kind, giving, creative and wanted to be accepted. To honor and help them pass to the other side learn to make a paper crane. That was their specialty and something they were passionate about.

I was supposed to get a tattoo, and I was actually very excited because it was offered to me for free and he is a wonderful artist. Funny enough, he was the one that offered to do the tattoo for me. I never asked him. A few days later or so, we were working on the drawing and he said, “maybe we can have sex for a tip.” Honestly, I didn’t call him out on that. I didn’t say anything but rather sat with that comment for a few days or so. I ended up sending him a voice note telling him kindly that I declined the tattoo. I told him I appreciated the offer but also told him that I didn’t appreciate that he asked me for sex. I explained that I am trying to change my life for the better and I felt that he thought he had a window of opportunity because of my vulnerable state of not having income. We never once were intimate and it’s disheartening to me that people take advantage of others even when at first it doesn’t seem like that. I acknowledge that I am not perfect and my situation is n...

Today I got the privilege to celebrate my family friend’s birthday! It brought me joy to make her earrings and see how much she lit up! What a wonderful moment. I wanted to share something that she wrote to me. “I’m deeply grateful we’ve found our way back to each other. Now we get to choose to be honest and share with each other. I’m here, as your chosen sister, and I’m honored to walk with you as you work through all of this. I absolutely adore you, and I love you so much. You are not alone in this, ever.” She messaged me sometime ago and wrote that. It truly means the world to me because I told her I felt bad that we were separated due to circumstances. She has all been so kind, genital, understanding, compassionate and supportive. I am truly blessed that we did find our way back to each other. Happy Birthday, soul sister.

I went for a walk the other day and I saw an older gentleman experiencing homelessness crying on the side of the road. Admittingly I was going to keep walking but I decided to approach him. I asked if I could sit with him and we talked for over an hour. Jeff a 61-year-old man told me what was in his heart and what was eating at him. As I was listening to him, I could see the immense pain and anger he felt. Jeff told me “It’s brave of you to come talk to me. Most people wouldn’t.” You know he is right, not a lot of people would. Which is unfortunate. Just because we don’t know someone doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to have community and to be acknowledged. He deserves to be seen even if his reality is different than mine. It’s unfortunate that there is a lot of misunderstanding of why someone is experiencing homelessness. Jeff is struggling with addiction, trauma, and psychosis of some sort. During our conversation I could hear the inconsistency, paranoia, and delusions he was expe...

24 years ago, today on August 12, 2002, my mom passed away in my arms. I was just 11 years old. Something that is forever imprinted into my very soul.   December 5 th , 1994 Again, I’m late-sorry. But I have not forgotten about last week, Nov 30 th . As usually, we had fun, but no order. You were busy with so much from puzzles to puppets. When you read this all by yourself, you must tell me what you remembered and liked doing the most. Lately, you have been telling me what’s in your heart. It all sounds so wonderful that I believe you are an angel from heaven. I am blessed. Mama   I never got a chance to tell her what’s in my heart. I suppose on here I can send it to the universe in hopes someone hears me. Lately, it’s been tough for various reasons. I notice I have extreme lows often to the point I can’t function fully. Today is one of those days. I’ve been in my apartment most of the day thinking about how my life turned out. Cried for some time holding my stuf...

My eldest sister has been messaging me lately and I wanted to write about a dream she shared with me. She told me “You showed up at my house. We hadn’t seen or talked in 10 years. So broken and lonely and scared. You came to me because mom had come to you in a dream and told you to go to your sister she has what you need. She has what your heart needs to heal. You guys need each other. And you came. I woke up right after that. With the urgency to text you. It may be just a dream but I needed to at least tell you are loved, beautiful, and you are not alone.” I wrote this exactly how she messaged me because it’s something I don’t want to forget. Though my sister and I have had many differences and disagreements my heart is always with her. It’s frustrating because I get glimpse of my sister and then it goes away due to mental health or addiction. It’s a different kind of pain and loss when you watch some you love deeply come in and out of reality. I wish I could take all that away fr...

 I am running. No, sprinting. I can’t catch my breath. As I stop for a moment to look back my shadow is still behind me taunting me. I start to run again thinking this time I will escape. Then as my body is giving out, I start to laugh. Partially from exhaustion. Also, because it occurs to me that I can’t outrun my past. With the little energy that I have left I turn and I face my shadow. As I stare with frustration, hurt, sadness, rejection, failure, embarrassment, shame, guilt and hate then I realize my shadow wasn’t taunting me. It was trying to catch up to let me know I am not alone. I haven’t given myself time to breathe and take a moment to see another perspective. The perspective that my shadow is not my enemy but my companion that knows my past, present and future. It walks with me. Not against me.

 I am short but stand tall. My body is my temple and a safe place to look inward. My walk mimics the knowledge I carry. My voice reveals resiliency and commitment. My handshake shows strength and leadership. My eyes display curiosity and creativity. My smile demonstrates empathy and trust. My laughter reveals passion, love and humor. My arms produce a sense of comfort and compassion. My legs illustrate and guide opportunity. My feet provide foundation and stability.

Loving someone is a choice. A choice to try to understand their perspective. The willingness to take initiative to notice what is important in a moment’s time. Compromising the nuances. Taking a step back to self-reflect and take accountability of the part you’ve played in the miscommunications and lack of understanding. Learning to be patient when times are tough. Love is ever evolving that comes with growth, understanding, compassion, patients, and sometimes the ultimate sacrifice; letting go. Letting go of what you once knew or understood. Letting go and setting them free to be authentically happy despite it hurting. Love isn’t just about finding the “one” but rather a deep authentic connection even if it’s a moment in time. It still lasts a lifetime. A lifetime of memories, joy, connection, growth, problem solving, safety, comfort, and stability. While also unmasking and showing the other side. Unmasking hurt, sadness, confusion, miscommunication, disagreements, lack of account...

 I was asked what makes me feel seen and valued? I told them I needed to reflect on that question. I think I needed to hold space for myself given all that has happened throughout my life. As I reflected on the question I realized I feel seen when someone takes initiative to remember the things that are important to me (even if they don’t like it). Acknowledging my experiences even if they can’t feel or see it themselves. Sometimes we tend to invalidate others because we don’t understand their mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing. Especially, if it’s something you never came across or even experienced. I wrote once, “it’s easier to say hurtful things to someone/something you don’t like. I haven’t liked myself in a long time for various reasons. I never befriended myself.” So, if I can invalidate and hide myself from the world wouldn’t it be easy for a friend, family member or stranger to do it just as easy? So, I guess what I am saying is that there isn’t a simple answer ...

 What does it mean to be scared? The thought of losing loved ones. Making nearly impossible decisions. Being physically and mentally assaulted. Running from a home you built with someone. Telling a person, you respect and love that you’re pregnant. Having a miscarriage that almost killed you. Being diagnosed with a chronic condition(s). Finding what love means while keeping others at a distance. Trying to find yourself in a world you feel rejected by. Waking up knowing that you are a walking contradiction. Looking in the mirror to face unspoken truths. Learning to be brave.

 Recently I met someone that has continuously challenged me in ways I never thought I would experience. They some how gently nudge me to see the “flaws” in my thought process while still having the ability to see my perspective. Admittingly, it feels strange and foreign to me. They appear to have this deep understanding on how to recognize hidden or unspoken emotions. Today, they kindly said “I think you love your ex and that’s okay I get it. Even if you don’t admit it, I know.” They told me it’s the way I talk about him. Honestly, as I reflect on their observation, I can’t not deny that I love him. I am still trying to protect his heart by sacrificing mine. As I reflect on my definition of love, I realize that it’s never linear but rather ambiguous because it’s confusing and open to many interpretations. However, I do know when I say I love you, I mean it to my core. That’s why I don’t say it often because most of the time it’s not reciprocated. So, I hold on strongly to the o...

The other day my former partner informed me that my family invited him to Easter. Which I 100% support because I see him as family and will always be in my life. However, we both agreed that it’s incredibly messed up that they didn’t invite me. Which unfortunately the truth is they’ve been like that towards me for years. I feel I have been the “monster or villain” no matter what I say and do. I am always an afterthought to them. Of course, that hurts and it sucks to constantly be reminded in some way you will never be enough for your own family to accept you. Another thing that stings is that my birthday is close to Easter. So, I will be spending my birthday and Easter alone for the first time. I always had my partner and precious creatures to greet me at the door. This year I will come home to silence and knowing I never crossed my family’s mind during this time. 

 Earlier this morning I got to see my Kitty in my dreams. I was watching her fixated on some shadows from the blinds blowing in the wind. I remember feeling this immense love I have always had for her. I grabbed her and kissed her on the back like I always did. Then my alarm woke me up from a dream that I wanted to last a lifetime. I miss her so much.    

 I hold secrets you will never hear. You will assume. I hold pain that you could never bare. You will assume. I look beautiful. You will assume. I look innocent and naive. You will assume. I look put together. You will assume. Assumptions blind us from the truth.

Definition of bravery is to show mental or moral strength when facing danger, fear or difficulty. I was told I was brave. Brave when I lost my mom. Brave when I was homeless. Brave being a foster kid. Brave living in a shelter. Brave being sexually assaulted. Brave for having epilepsy. Brave getting out of abusive relationships. Brave quitting a job. Brave for sticking up for myself to bullies. Brave for being a woman in this society. Brave for helping my uncle in his last days. As I reflect on the definition of bravery in the context of my life I came to the realization that I was surviving. I didn’t get to choose to be “brave.” It was forced upon me. The symptoms of “bravery” is shedding tears, making impossible decisions, starting over, panic attacks, self-doubt, self-hatred, anger, disappointment, fear, rejection, nightmares, disease, chronic pain, setting boundaries and heartache.     I don’t want to be brave anymore.  

I am unique. So, I was told. I am different. So, I was told. I am brave. So, I was told. I am beautiful. So, I was told. I am creative. So, I was told. I am intelligent. So, I was told. I am funny. So, I was told. I am a fighter. So, I was told. I cry nearly every day. So, here I am. I feel deeply. So, here I am. I have barriers to tall to jump. So, here I am. I think about everything. So, here I am. I have deep wounds that won't close. So, here I am. I feel like a monster. So, here I am. I joke to mask the pain. So, here I am. I lose sight and energy for hope. So, here I am. Can you see me now? Can you see that my pain is what you admire?   

December 2025 can go F itself. I know that’s bold for me to say but it is my truth. I lost my Kitty on December 3 rd , a family friend on the 15 th and Christmas day brought my dad to the ER. December 2025 wasn’t so kind. Just before December I was planning on moving away to reboot and start over again. I planned on bringing my beloved Kitty with me. I had her over 10 years and she was the love of my life, and I cried for a few weeks. Then a family friend passed away and I went to honor them in the only way I knew how at the ICU days before they passed. I didn't have time to cry because I had to focus on packing and moving since it was already in the works before all of this.  When Christmas approached my dad called and appeared confused and told me he could barely walk. He was what is called acute kidney injury and was severely dehydrated. I remember while I was visiting him he teared up for the first time and asked me if Dee Dee was okay and expressed concern. I didn't tel...

 M, I wanted to write a thank you letter for all that you have done for me thus this far. You listened to me rant, cry, swear, and become extremely passionate and spicy about various topics. We weren’t fully able to process my past traumas due to current events in my life and that’s okay. I learned that if you are able to process current trauma (s) with someone safe and talk about it, it’s less impactful in the future. It doesn't make it any easier, but it is helpful long term. I am sure you already know this. Anyways, I wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you and acknowledge the type of therapist I see. I know most of the work is on me and not you. However, like I said, you were and are a safe person and that goes miles. Maybe about two but that’s about it. JK. M, you have and will continue to do amazing things for so many! Don’t let it get to your head! Always stay humble, curious, compassionate, and flexible with a hint of spicy. Like Jalapeno level spicy. Unless it...

 The past 3 years have been tough on me for various reasons that I seem I cannot shake. The two main topics is when I cheated and when my uncle Jerome passed away. I have realized these two events changed me in ways that I wish I could reverse. The cheating and Jerome’s passing have been unresolved issues for me despite the various times I tried to reconcile. I still feel like my nervous system is dysregulated more often than not. As I was listening to a podcast the other day this person quoted “you have to actively repair the threat associations that your brain has built up around each other. It takes both partners to acknowledge the specific wounds each partner has created without turning it into a blame system.” This resonated with me deeply. I realized that the lead up to the cheating, the cheating itself and Jerome’s passing are deep wounds that I carry around every day. As I was listening to the podcast it spoke about invalidation, unresolved conflicts, emotional withdraw...

  Critical thinking : Skillfully analyzing, evaluating, and synthesizing information to form a judgement or solve a problem. Logical thinking : Analyzing information, facts, and evidence to reach a conclusion and identifying cause and effect without emotions. Emotional thinking : Is based on a person’s feelings than objective facts. This can lead to biases, personal values and beliefs. Emotional intelligence : Ability to understand and manage own emotions, while recognizing how your emotions influence or affect others. Linear thinking: Step by step approach to problem solving where one idea logically leads to the next. Very structured, strait line, and follows a clear path that leads to an answer. Intelligence : Learn, understand, and reason quickly and effectively. Ability to adapt to new situations, solve problems, and make decisions. Traits (curiosity, critical thinking, self-awareness, and willingness to learn and revise beliefs.) Stupidity: Having or showing lac...