Thought Dump

Last night was strange. I’ve had a projector for months now and it has never turned on itself. Not even once. Last night when I was about to fall asleep it turned on but it didn’t turn on all the way. All I could hear is a commercial like video playing without the video aspect. It didn’t even make that obnoxious rising air sound. It was clear like when you turn on a tv. I officially turned it on to see what it was playing, and there was nothing in my history besides me watching Jamie French videos and SNL skits.

Then I had such a strange dream about my ex. He was mentally and emotionally struggling more than he had ever struggled before. I remember he told me the house was a mess and that he couldn’t fully keep up with it. He was isolating more and was hard on himself. That’s all I could really remember besides him saying something about therapy and how his therapist noticed a drastic change in character.

Sometimes dreams are metaphors for how you internally feel. I know that I dream in metaphors a lot in the context of my internal self-perception. I do feel like I am a mess, I am not the person I used to be, and I am at one of my lowest. I have been isolating often despite some residents talking to me randomly when they see me. But nothing significant. There are glimpses of me lately trying to do things such as that guided meditation. However, overall depression has taken over more times than not.

When people ask me how I am of course, I am going to say, “I’m fine or good.” I don’t know what else to say to them besides that. I think most of the time people don’t want to truly go out of their way to really sit down and see how someone is really doing. It’s just an automatic thing you say when you pass someone by that you know. I think that’s part of the reason I try to go out of my way when I see or sense someone struggling. I know what it’s like for others to just pass you by. Just in itself is isolating.

Interestingly the other day this man that has lived in the same apartment complex has been randomly talking to me. He spoke about this very topic on how people are isolating. People here are treating the apartments like a prison. Barely outside or connecting with one another. Though he rambled about other various topics he was right, people here do isolate often. I clearly am one of them. However, I have been trying to push myself by talking to others and trying to make friends here and there, but it doesn’t seem to stick. Shoot I feel like I am losing the only friend I did have here, David.

Though, I don’t want to be completely gloomy I do have a friend from another state unfortunately but I like her a lot and I am grateful I met her because she does go out of her way to message me and also take the time to talk even if it’s just exchanging voice notes. It seems easier to make friends from other states than my own for whatever reason. Also, yesterday despite my frustration about licensing to work in schools, I am making headway to obtain it. It literally took me hours to figure out who to talk to about it and all that I need to do. I guess this was more so a thought dump than anything.