Dear Mom

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Dear mom,

My anxiety hasn’t gone away. Maybe it never will. I feel a sense of worthlessness every day. I have been trying to distract myself but as we both know distractions are just that, just a distraction. The other day in therapy I cried so hard and I told my therapist I don’t like crying in front of people. When he asked me why, I cried even harder. I couldn’t get my words out right away. As tears ran down my face, I explained to him my dad used to make fun of me slamming the door in my face. I never really felt comfortable around others when I cried after living with him. I feel like even now many people are not genuine when they are trying to “comfort” me. I am not naive I know when someone is trying to “comfort” me in a selfish manner vs when they authentically care. I may be traumatized but many truths live at the same time.

Mom, I don’t know how to keep moving forward or even have the energy to do so. I have been ignoring my mail, distancing myself from others to some capacity and doing things that are not align with who I am as a person. It’s like I rather self-sabotage than focus on beading, sewing, or connecting with others in the community. I am lacking motivation, desire, strength, and overall mental capacity. How do I bounce back from losing my family again? My heart is torn to pieces and it’s the first thing I think about when waking up in the morning and when I go to bed no matter what I am doing. I want to hold Kitty, I want to play with Bruno, and I want to talk to Brandon.

I hate when people ask me what I want because what I want isn’t reachable. That’s where radical acceptance and awareness come into play. Accepting that my life has been filled with hurt and rejection while also experiencing glimmer of hope, love, connection, and acceptance. Awareness of the reality of myself, others and my situation. Others have more hope things will get better for me, but I am a realist. Not saying everything is doomed but I have to think realistically of my situation. The odds seem to be against me for one reason or another.

I am still waiting to hear back from one particular job but have been rejected 4 times this past week. I get rejected on average about 2-3 times a week. I have modified and tried to change my resume and cover letter continuously. What I have noticed is that most of the rejections are based off just my resume and cover letter because I have only had a few true interviews. I am about to call the Board of Social Work and ask if my things transfer to another state and then just move again. I literally don’t know what to do. How do I sort out everything that has occurred and continuously occur?

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