Impact of Accountability

To my ex,

If you ever happen to read this, I want to say I am sorry for my broken heart. However, I can’t be sorry for how it broke. My life prior to you was filled with chaos, which I don’t need to tell you, you already know. Then you came along and brought a glimmer of peace into my life. Filled with laughter, love, understanding, compassion, and joy. It also came with misunderstandings, differences in communication, lack of accountability, loss of compassion, love and even possible friendship.

I know that I wasn’t perfect, especially in the beginning of our relationship. I had so much anxiety even thinking about trusting you or letting you into my heart. The experiences I had with others I projected on to you. That was and is a continuous lesson I need to learn is that not everyone is unsafe but also not “perfect.”

Fast forwarding to the moment I told you I cheated. I told you because I couldn’t bare not telling you what I have done. I like to think I hold myself to a standard, one that clearly isn’t perfect. What I noticed from that day forward is that in my perspective you became more impatient with me, less understanding, exhausted, more panic attacks and even possible resentment towards me. You may have not yelled, shamed, or guilted me in what happened but the change in behavior showed otherwise. I left you because I knew you needed space and time to hopefully reflect as I did too. From there it has been complicated.

I don’t blame you one bit feeling any feelings you may have towards me. However, I wish that you did take more accountability in the part you have played. As you know, many people in my life have not taken accountability and I look like the unhinged black sheep in most people’s lives. I realized out of this whole relationship I think accountability is something I compromised on, I didn’t realize how important that truly was for me until recent years. I think a big part of it is because I am willing to admit my faults while others around me just point the finger or just project.

I also want to tell you the truth about my pregnancy. I know that it hurt you as it did me. The pregnancy happened against my will. I was overwhelmed because I was being continuously harassed at work by another man and even treated poorly by others. I also felt shame in what happened. I didn’t want to come to terms with it. I felt so hurt and angered by the fact that some guy took advantage and then my work wrongfully terminated me knowing that I was actively having miscarriage. I am angry that this left emotional and physical scars. I am angry that I had to lie to the doctors that I had someone picking me up after surgery. I drove home and took care of myself. The amount of pain I felt and continue to feel is immense.

I am not here to convince you or anyone for that matter. If you happen to read any of this, I hope you can find understanding and compassion. I am speaking my truth and what is in my heart even if what I am saying is painful. After everything that happened it spiraled downward to the point I am struggling still to find my footing. I decided to try to make money in a way that was very triggering to me, but I felt I had no choice in the matter because I continuously keep getting denied any opportunity. The other day my therapist told me they received a mass e-mail at Sagent laying off others and downsizing. He told me this because I mentioned I keep getting rejected even without an interview. What is happening in this economy is affecting me and others. I have been doing everything I can to save myself but it’s incredibly difficult.