Unresolved Conflicts in the Context of a Relationship

 The past 3 years have been tough on me for various reasons that I seem I cannot shake. The two main topics is when I cheated and when my uncle Jerome passed away. I have realized these two events changed me in ways that I wish I could reverse. The cheating and Jerome’s passing have been unresolved issues for me despite the various times I tried to reconcile. I still feel like my nervous system is dysregulated more often than not.

As I was listening to a podcast the other day this person quoted “you have to actively repair the threat associations that your brain has built up around each other. It takes both partners to acknowledge the specific wounds each partner has created without turning it into a blame system.” This resonated with me deeply. I realized that the lead up to the cheating, the cheating itself and Jerome’s passing are deep wounds that I carry around every day.

As I was listening to the podcast it spoke about invalidation, unresolved conflicts, emotional withdrawal, neglected connection, performative intimacy, disguised disrespect and score keeping. All topics I reflected on in the context of my relationship (s). Some resonated and others didn’t. I realized there is a lot of unresolved conflicts, emotional withdrawal and performative intimacy.

I noticed that I have been emotionally withdrawing at times due to triggers, stress, and feelings of unresolved conflicts. I also see myself performing performative intimacy. What I mean by that is acting like everything is okay when deep down inside I don’t feel okay. I realized that a lot of these feelings stem from my perception of unresolved conflicts that have caused wounds on both sides.

Emotional wounds are deeply painful that can cause distress, disconnection and hurt. I’ve felt that way off and on more so the past few years. Two of the major wounds that I carry is cheating and Jerome’s passing. Jerome meant the world to me and I think about him every day. A piece of my heart went with him the day he died. The emotional wound that weighs heavy on me is being alone at the hospital with him. I felt like that little girl that just lost her mom again. Frightened, alone, desperate, vulnerable, and scared. This is a wound that I don’t share with anyone but myself and it weighs incredibly heavy on me.

Trust, connection, safety, and compassion started to dimmish that day. I didn’t have my sisters, uncles, aunts, cousins, or someone I needed to be there for me. It’s a type of hurt that I’ve been struggling to come to terms with. I felt abandoned, scared, hurt and had lack of support in a time I needed it the most. Admittingly it psychologically changed me on how I view my relationships even more so. I know that it is hard to hear but that is my truth. I can’t escape. I can’t shake the heaviness of being alone in the hospital with my uncle.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I think I am in a different season of my life. That is such a scary thing to say given that I have only known one thing for so long. I think I've known deep down inside this day was coming and will continue to come up even if I keep moving forward. I don’t think it does anyone justice to keep moving forward, especially being emotionally exhausted. So, I hope that some day I can find a middle ground in all this.