Absent father

I thought for along time if I should even write to you. In my head I just wanted to lash out and tell you all the bad things you are to me; I won’t ever because I’m better than that. Rather I will explain to you that my success in life has nothing to do with you; never has or will. 

I have grown in many aspects you will never have the pleasure to see or know. I surrounded my life with people that are caring, compassionate, loving and understanding. This was what I’ve been looking for since my mother passed away. I tried to find these characteristics in you that seem to be absent. I always wonder why their was so much hate in your heart? You’re the only one that can answer that and I am sure you’ll keep that to yourself to the day you die. I try to send hate the other way because all it does is cause harm to yourself or to others around you; but I suppose you don’t see that do you? Did you ever think at one point where your life was heading? Do you not care and stroll on by? When having kids, you can’t just stroll on by; you have to take action, put thought into another being. Maybe no one put thought into you when you were growing up? Maybe that’s why you seemed to struggle? 

Sometimes we feel that we are not good enough for many reasons. I felt that way a lot when it came to you. I was told by many people that parents automatically care for their children and they are important, I came to realize that’s not the reality. The reality is if a person learns to hate on themselves they are unable to truly love and care for another. I know now that you and I have been hurt at some point in our lives, but the difference between you is the fact that I strive to love myself for who I am. I strive to have compassion and understanding so I can understand others. I feel that if you can’t learn to deal with your struggles how would you accept someone else’s struggles? 

I consider myself parentless due to the fact that you choose not to fight to be in my life. Which I come to accept because I realize it’s for the best. Do you accept this idea I have? Do you accept what has happened in your life? Some questions to ponder.  I was always stressed out and felt judged for me just being me. A person should never feel guilt or shame for expressing who they are in any situation, at least that’s what I finally realized. Another, thing I realized as well is that people choose to be unhappy for the most part. I realized this because I was unhappy for years and then I decided one day that it doesn’t need to be that way and I took control of who I am and the life I wanted. Yes, I get it, it doesn’t take just a day to be happy but the choice to strive for happiness does. The journey is long and tiring but worth fighting for.

You know some of my favorite memories was when I was younger of you. One of my all-time favorite memories was looking at the stars and wondering/questioning what’s out there with you. Nothing in the world could replace that memory that I have of you and I. Another, memory was when you would make breakfast in the middle of the night, just because we were hungry and why not?! Or when we would clean together. I remember I was afraid of spraying the microwave because I thought it was going to shock me; Even though the microwave wasn’t on. Every time I sprayed the microwave you would make a noise and scared me; and then we would laugh.

Isn’t it crazy how kids can be so vulnerable to the world, but then we become adults acting like we know all when in truth we don’t. I remember a time I thought you had the answers to any problem; but that was short lived. I grew up fast in many ways. I hated every being of me at one point; now it’s a struggle here and there. I taught myself to be humble to myself and others, but most of all to myself. I feel that the most important person in this world is yourself and if you don’t know how to take care or accept that spirit inside you; how can you for anyone else? 

Time goes by quick and I realize that as I get older. Time doesn’t wait for anyone, nor does it change anything that has happened. So, how I manage time is by appreciating what’s in front of me at the moment. Appreciating who I am with as well because you can never get back those exact conversations or bonding time with whomever you’re with. I hope that someday you will realize how special and fragile time is to each of us. 

Good luck in yourself discovery and journey in life, I hope you find what you are looking for. Life will bring you up’s and downs,’ but remember you have the choice to decide what to do with it. 

-JhonRae-