December 2025

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December 2025 can go F itself. I know that’s bold for me to say but it is my truth. I lost my Kitty on December 3rd, a family friend on the 15th and Christmas day brought my dad to the ER. December 2025 wasn’t so kind.

Just before December I was planning on moving away to reboot and start over again. I planned on bringing my beloved Kitty with me. I had her over 10 years and she was the love of my life, and I cried for a few weeks. Then a family friend passed away and I went to honor them in the only way I knew how at the ICU days before they passed. I didn't have time to cry because I had to focus on packing and moving since it was already in the works before all of this. 

When Christmas approached my dad called and appeared confused and told me he could barely walk. He was what is called acute kidney injury and was severely dehydrated. I remember while I was visiting him he teared up for the first time and asked me if Dee Dee was okay and expressed concern. I didn't tell him that Dee Dee passed away about 10 years ago. All I could do is ask "what makes you think she isn't okay." He told me he didn't know and all I could do is reassure him things are okay. I didn't think it would be appropriate to let him know she's been gone for 10 years or so. I just sat and listened when ever he expressed concerns. Sometimes being present is all you can do. 

As I have been settling in I noticed I've tried to distract myself from all the pain. In the moment it “worked.”  But as I settled down in my new apartment and my new reality it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been crying off and on for the past few days. Sometimes it feels like I am inconsolable because the pain runs through my very being.

In all this I can only hope that someday I find my peace. I don’t know what that will look like, feel like or be. I hope if it comes about, I will know when I see it. There is a lot of noise out there in the world and it can be hard to see through all the chaos. I guess I must learn to be kind to myself in this new chapter of my life and learn to be a little selfish. I don’t have much to give.

 

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