Dear Mom

Dear mom,

I haven’t written to you in a while. I guess I just wanted to say what’s on my mind this morning. I have been in bed pretty much all morning and I started to get ready to go for my daily walk. However, my headphones were dead. So, here I am waiting listening to music and letting my mind wonder off.

You know the other day I was actually proud of myself. I decided to make a decision to end being a SB. Admittingly, it ate at me because that isn’t who I am and I spiraled because I was scared to lose my money, I worked hard to save. However, I concluded that I would rather have my dignity and gamble, losing everything. I am still actively looking for a job and I have two possibilities. Though, as we know, just because they say they like me it doesn’t mean I will get the job.

I wish I could have known you longer. What I remember of you and what others say, you sound like one hell of a force to be reckoned with. You were passionate, kind, smart, encouraging, sacrificing, strong, beautiful beyond words in ever since of the word and all-consuming love. I remember your smile was contagious as your humor was. You were actually very goofy but also fierce. When I read things you wrote it gives me a glimpse of all that you were in this life. While also seeing that a lot of people took advantage of you. I can hear and feel that pain. It runs in my very veins. As I too, experience this.

I am trying so hard to change my life even if that means I make incredibly hard and almost impossible decisions. But I try to gain strength in knowing I am your daughter and you were one hell of a bad ass despite you not seeing it. You know Jenny and Kat with others wanted you as their mother haha. I don’t blame them you were perfectly chaotic in all the amazing crazy and curious ways. I can only strive to be that way. I love you to the deepest and fullest of ways. I hope that we meet again and we can exchange our worldly stories.

Until we meet again, I will write to you.

Love you, your youngest.