JhonRae's Blog

I wanted to acknowledge it’s my dog’s birthday this month. He will be 10 years old! It’s been about two months since the last time I got to see him. I miss him dearly and think about him every day. I miss being rowdy and playful with him. Bruno has endless energy. Playfulness is his whole being and I hope that he is doing well and that he is getting all the love and treats he can get. I wish I could see him and let him know I love him to the ends of the earth. It hurts because I know we all lost each other in different ways. Brandon, Kitty and Bruno were my family. A family I will never forget. Bruno, I am sorry I am not there and I know that you feel it as I do too. Love you with all my heart and soul.

I wanted to share some dreams I had of my uncle Jerome over the past few years. I want to be able to look back and remember how special they were to me. 1 st dream was sometime after his passing. I would dream he was sitting beside my bed watching over me. It was unspoken love and reassurance that he was okay. Again, it was a realistic dream because I remember I had my eyes open and seeing my room, but he was there watching me. It did bring me some peace of mind that I did do what I could for him. 2 nd dream I started walking up a long staircase and, on each side, there was a bunch of people lined up against the wall. Again, no one spoke. However, I knew they were people he had touched in some fashion. They were all there to show me how impactful he truly was. As I finally started to make it to the top of the stairs. I asked, “where’s my uncle.” They just looked down towards the hallway, and I saw him walking in silence. He had his hands behind his back as he slowly shuffled his ...

I had some issues last night. Feeling lightheaded and weak with a strange sensation running throughout my body. I feel that right now. That is the reality of having epilepsy. Also, I had such a strange out-of-body dream. I knew I was sleeping but I stood up and staired into my living room. I heard a man’s voice that sounded like my dad. I remember feeling frightened and uneasy. I just stood there staring. I don’t know how long from the time I stood there scared to waking up in my bed in a panic. It was early in the morning around 3 or 4 when I officially woke up. After I woke up in a panic, I still felt scared and turned on my light for the remainder of the morning. I used to do this as a kid at my dad’s house. I would be so panicked that I slept with the light on all night and still always woke up scared. I also used to sleepwalk, and I think the last time I did I was in my early 20’s when I was living at Life House for homeless youth. To be completely honest I forgot I used to do...

I'm I unreasonable in a reasonable world? Or do I live in a unreasonable world as I am reasonable?  Most of the time I ponder this and I am starting to come to the conclusion that it's all in perspective. I am both unreasonable and reasonable while also unsure at the same time. Given so much that has happened and continues to happen does the question really matter in the end? It's a battle between endless perspectives and opinions. I am all at once all the things thought and said while simultaneously something unsaid or thought of. I live in an existence with many ideas and concepts beyond true comprehension. 

Brenda, my foster mom, messaged me on October 12 th and asked how I was doing and said she was just checking up on me. You know under “normal” circumstances I wouldn’t mind her messaging me because I would think she actual cared. However, that day was her birthday, and I didn’t say or acknowledge it in any capacity. Out of all the days, weeks, or even months she ironically just wanted to see how I was doing that particular day? Then the next day I got a missed call from my dad and heard his voice mail. I didn’t even bother calling him back. I am literally sick of people thinking something is “wrong” with me and making me feel like I am “crazy.” The only damn reason she reached out is because I didn’t acknowledge her birthday and it’s just a sick game. It is so easy for them to leave me out or forget about me when it comes to “family” gatherings, events, celebrations, and vacations. However, when it’s their time and I don’t acknowledge them, I am the one unstable or I am someone they...

To my ex, If you ever happen to read this, I want to say I am sorry for my broken heart. However, I can’t be sorry for how it broke. My life prior to you was filled with chaos, which I don’t need to tell you, you already know. Then you came along and brought a glimmer of peace into my life. Filled with laughter, love, understanding, compassion, and joy. It also came with misunderstandings, differences in communication, lack of accountability, loss of compassion, love and even possible friendship. I know that I wasn’t perfect, especially in the beginning of our relationship. I had so much anxiety even thinking about trusting you or letting you into my heart. The experiences I had with others I projected on to you. That was and is a continuous lesson I need to learn is that not everyone is unsafe but also not “perfect.” Fast forwarding to the moment I told you I cheated. I told you because I couldn’t bare not telling you what I have done. I like to think I hold myself to a standard...

Accountability is the willingness to accept responsibility. You said he isn’t manly enough. I heard you. You said you wanted a man who makes more money. I heard you. You said you care and want to listen. I see contradictions. You are careless with others boundaries. You expect everyone to honor yours. You want to be seen and heard. I see you demand center of attention. Your expectations are high. I see you expect everyone to conform to you. You are perceived as “unique.” I see it’s just a mask.   He called me crying multiple times because he was confused and hurt. I listened. He disclosed things he can never say to you. I listened. He takes responsibility for your bad behavior. I see manipulation growing. He makes excuses of why you don’t listen. I see gaslighting. He is willing to conform to you no matter what. He is your puppet and you’re the master. He is easily persuaded. I see he manipulates the situation to fit the narrative you want. He is stres...

Dear David, Your response again was taking blame for Taylor’s continuous bad behavior. I highlighted things that you’ve told me, I’ve heard and witnessed and there is nothing I can do or say at this point. I hope this relationship is worth losing for another. I guess that’s all have to say. I am sending hope out to the universe for your sake.

I have been reflecting on a message I received from a friend a few days ago, David. Though, I admit David didn’t cut ties with me, I felt I had to make the hard decision to do so for a few personal reasons. A few weeks back David, his girlfriend Taylor and I planned to hang out at a restaurant. Which I admit I should have just canceled because I was not in the right headspace. I started having a bad panic attack and excused myself to go the bathroom to try to regulate myself. I did cry because I was overwhelmed. Then I came back and sat down for a little longer and I ended up excusing myself again and leaving all together. I was spiraling and couldn’t stop the panic attack. In that time frame Taylor in my perspective was overwhelming and just couldn’t read the room. The very first thing she said to me when I arrived was “I’m sorry I saw your messages I just been too stressed.” Then she spoke about all her stress and life without considering my feelings. She then eventually paused and...

Yesterday morning I woke up in a panic again. My heart racing, muscle tension, shaking, exhausted, irritable, restless, trouble concentrating and worry. I don’t recall what I dreamt but I felt it when I woke up. Admittingly, I struggled all day but tried to do various things such as cleaning, cooking, walking, sauna and working out. Trying to keep my focus on moving forward. I cried off and on all day in between activities. I even tried to write but I just couldn’t focus. I had racing thoughts I couldn’t organize due to my anxiety. I am trying so hard to live a “normal” life while battling some of the biggest demons within me. Demons that live with in me are feelings of immense guilt, shame, embracement, and anger. All accumulation of rejection, loss and confusion. Honestly, even now I don’t have the right words to express all that I am feeling. I still have racing thoughts and feelings swirling around me. It feels like a hurricane coming in and destroying all the hard work I thought...

 Grief Is An Act Of Love “Grief is the last act of love we can give to our loved ones that we cared so deeply about. Where there is deep grief there was great love. A hero’s journey with great sorrow.” Being told to move on and let go diminishes the experiences you once had with past loved ones. You don’t have to move on to make space to love others. Your love is ever expansive, adding to future connections. Letting go is about learning to let go of the expectations of the future that you were planning to have with them. It’s learning to let go of our fear, guilt, shame or other hurtful feelings associated with loss. Continuously learning to be inspired by the memories and connection while also knowing that it changed form; bringing joy and sorrow together. As we talk about them, we are creating new memories and honoring the time we had. Learning to appreciate how precious time really is. Time is one of the most valuable irreplaceable assets we have. Grief is like ocean wav...

Last night was strange. I’ve had a projector for months now and it has never turned on itself. Not even once. Last night when I was about to fall asleep it turned on but it didn’t turn on all the way. All I could hear is a commercial like video playing without the video aspect. It didn’t even make that obnoxious rising air sound. It was clear like when you turn on a tv. I officially turned it on to see what it was playing, and there was nothing in my history besides me watching Jamie French videos and SNL skits. Then I had such a strange dream about my ex. He was mentally and emotionally struggling more than he had ever struggled before. I remember he told me the house was a mess and that he couldn’t fully keep up with it. He was isolating more and was hard on himself. That’s all I could really remember besides him saying something about therapy and how his therapist noticed a drastic change in character. Sometimes dreams are metaphors for how you internally feel. I know that I dre...

It’s been three weeks since I haven't said anything to my friend David. It saddens me that he has not tried to reach out because he knows I am struggling. However, I know I am not his responsibility but also on the same hand I think that’s what friends do, they show up for each other even through tough times. I think part of it is because of his girlfriend to be completely honest. He always knew how I felt about her and this time I realized I just don’t want to continuously make myself anxious or uncomfortable to try to be “friends” with her. Just to make him comfortable. The last time I saw them the very first thing Taylor acknowledged is that she read my texts but was too “stressed” to respond. Honestly, I don’t respect her for various reasons, and I don’t like seeing her using my friend. While he continuously makes excuses for her bad behavior. To be completely honest he is choosing to lose a good friend because he won’t address how she interacts with others. I can’t fake trying...

You know I have been looking for a job and something I always heard is social workers can work in anywhere including schools. Well, I just found out one very big reason I keep getting rejecting every time I apply as a social worker in a school district. Apparently, you must have different credentials because having your master’s in social work isn’t enough. You must obtain more education and get certified to be able to work in a school as a social worker. So, paying nearly 100,000 for my education is not enough. Also, why the hell did professors not inform anyone there were extra requirements. Clearly, you can’t just work anywhere. It’s such a slap in the face knowing that a few places were interested in me and the last one finally gave me context to why they didn’t hire me. Literally what the actual fuck. I am sitting here thinking what the hell is wrong with me when I just didn’t have the whole picture. I swear to the high heavens if I ever get my independent licensure, I will make a...

You’re in pursuit. I am the prey. Your appetite is too big. Mine is reserved. Your ego is high. Mine is lost. Your fantasies are my nightmare. Your complements are deceptive. I see right through you. Your hidden agenda is a game. I see you performing. Your actions are impactful. I see your internal purpose. Your patterns are never mistaken. I see your true character. Your behavior exposes you. You are a product of your environment.

Today I went for my daily walk. In the park, I noticed a wellness gathering of some sort. After my walk I decided to join with no expectation but rather curiosity. I want to share the guided meditation I did while sitting in the grass and soaking up the sun. I closed my eyes and my mind drifted. I was standing in the park and as I looked down, I saw $100 in the grass. I started to walk towards $100 until I noticed a little girl in the distance walking towards me. As she approached closer, I saw it was my younger self. She looked peaceful. Now, I had a choice to pick up the $100 or walk with my younger self. I chose to walk with her leaving the $100 behind. We went and sat on a swinging bench laughing. We didn’t have much to say to each other because we already understood one another. We just enjoyed each other’s company while swinging in the sun. I looked to my right, and I saw my mom, uncle Jerome and Kitty watching us. They too were smiling towards us as Kitty sat there looking w...

Dear mom, I haven’t written to you in a while. I guess I just wanted to say what’s on my mind this morning. I have been in bed pretty much all morning and I started to get ready to go for my daily walk. However, my headphones were dead. So, here I am waiting listening to music and letting my mind wonder off. You know the other day I was actually proud of myself. I decided to make a decision to end being a SB. Admittingly, it ate at me because that isn’t who I am and I spiraled because I was scared to lose my money, I worked hard to save. However, I concluded that I would rather have my dignity and gamble, losing everything. I am still actively looking for a job and I have two possibilities. Though, as we know, just because they say they like me it doesn’t mean I will get the job. I wish I could have known you longer. What I remember of you and what others say, you sound like one hell of a force to be reckoned with. You were passionate, kind, smart, encouraging, sacrificing, stron...

I can’t breathe; there isn’t enough oxygen. I can’t stand; I’m losing my footing. I can’t see; I’m losing focus. I can’t think; there is too much noise. I can’t hear; everyone is talking. I can’t taste; life seems so dull. I can’t feel; I’m shutting down.

I woke up this morning thinking about if I regret writing certain things in my blog. I was questioning myself and then I came across how this woman posts every day on Facebook. The good, the bad and the ugly unapologetically. She spoke about how raw and real it is despite what others may think. Yes, of course I have doubts. Well, every day to be completely honest. However, as doubt tries to persuade me in many directions, I need to continue to tell my truth even if it’s scary or if others reject me. I am learning that rejection from others isn’t nearly as painful as rejecting myself. Hopefully, what I express on here provokes curiosity vs judgement. Though, I am not the deciding factor on how anyone perceives me.

Learning how to play chess. A smile slowly creeps up. A possible opportunity. Wait. Wrong move. My turn comes up again. I take a pawn. Critical thinking is necessary. Desperation is starting to dissipate. There is hope. Slowly gaining control. Now, I am cornered with one piece left. What’s my move? Keep performing a dance I can’t dance? I chose to surrender with dignity and try again.

 I said no but you kept pursuing. Worn down and trapped. I said I didn’t like it, you said it was fine. I wasn’t getting through. Thoughts dismissed, replaced with hesitation. The pressure is heavy. I was in a strange place, manipulating the scene. Coercion is not consent. As I reflect on this poem in the context of my life and other’s experiences, I realize how common it is to downplay what really happened. Victims blame themselves. Shame, fear, and embarrassment are involved. Not recognizing what happened due to manipulation and pressure. Then you add trauma responses to the situation and that can affect how someone remembers or even talks about it. I want to remind anyone that has ever experienced this, it has nothing to do with your intellect. Admittingly, I have downplayed my own experiences for various reasons. I remember I told my friend David about some of the experiences, but I kept downplaying it because I already felt weak and defeated. I felt dumb that...

I was watching small clips of carrot in a box game and as I was laughing. It reminded me of when my ex and I played Battleship. For the 10 years we were together he never beat me. Not once. I started reminiscing and giggling to myself about how sometimes he thought I was cheating because I would just massacre his ship quickly. It was a random but significant memory for me. I guess I just wanted to write down a happy memory today because it’s been so gloomy lately.