A Broken Freindship

I have been reflecting on a message I received from a friend a few days ago, David. Though, I admit David didn’t cut ties with me, I felt I had to make the hard decision to do so for a few personal reasons. A few weeks back David, his girlfriend Taylor and I planned to hang out at a restaurant. Which I admit I should have just canceled because I was not in the right headspace. I started having a bad panic attack and excused myself to go the bathroom to try to regulate myself. I did cry because I was overwhelmed. Then I came back and sat down for a little longer and I ended up excusing myself again and leaving all together. I was spiraling and couldn’t stop the panic attack.

In that time frame Taylor in my perspective was overwhelming and just couldn’t read the room. The very first thing she said to me when I arrived was “I’m sorry I saw your messages I just been too stressed.” Then she spoke about all her stress and life without considering my feelings. She then eventually paused and looked at me and said “are people not being kind to you JhonRae” in such a condescending and childish manner. This evoked even more anxiety because I know when someone is talking down to me. I just had to remove myself from the situation all together.

Going back to David’s message to me. I didn’t appreciate the ignorance and lack of understanding or perspective in his message. He told me, “It was uncalled for you to take things out on me and Taylor.” That bothered me because I think he needs to reflect what it actually means to “take something out on someone else.” I never raised my voice, blamed, called names or said anything truly hurtful towards them. Nothing I said had anything to do with them even when I did say something. I was mostly quite and sat there listening to Taylor talk nonstop about her life.

I decided to block Taylor and message David to let him know there is a difference between a panic attack and “taking it out on them.” I am not perfect and I owned up to not rescheduling like I should have and I also told him I should have not continued any kind of “friendship” with Taylor. However, I won’t apologize for my anxiety attack, and no one should ever apologize for that in the first place. I also had the decency to leave the situation all together.

I am disappointed in David in many ways. He has disclosed many things about his relationship with Taylor and acknowledge confusion, frustration, and even used the term catfishing. I told David, “How you expect me to feel comfortable talking to her when you, yourself can’t even express your feelings to your own girlfriend.” I told him that he has continuously made excuses for her bad behavior while making “boundaries” with me. Taylor has never truly respected him nor anyone else. He holds her to a completely different stander which is a very low one if you asked me.

I refuse to be subjected to any of that chaos any longer because like I have mentioned before I have my own things to deal with and I need an authentic friend that isn’t going to gaslight me whether it’s unintentional or intentional. I know my truth and I know Taylor has continuously shown who she truly is and I don’t want to be apart of that even if that means I walk away from my friend. I am not willing to make myself uncomfortable to make someone else comfortable anymore. I just won’t do it. I am learning that I come first even if that means making the hard decision to walk away. This is an act of self-love that I am continuously learning to do.