Taking Back Control

 I said no but you kept pursuing.

Worn down and trapped.

I said I didn’t like it, you said it was fine.

I wasn’t getting through.

Thoughts dismissed, replaced with hesitation.

The pressure is heavy.

I was in a strange place, manipulating the scene.

Coercion is not consent.

As I reflect on this poem in the context of my life and other’s experiences, I realize how common it is to downplay what really happened. Victims blame themselves. Shame, fear, and embarrassment are involved. Not recognizing what happened due to manipulation and pressure. Then you add trauma responses to the situation and that can affect how someone remembers or even talks about it. I want to remind anyone that has ever experienced this, it has nothing to do with your intellect.

Admittingly, I have downplayed my own experiences for various reasons. I remember I told my friend David about some of the experiences, but I kept downplaying it because I already felt weak and defeated. I felt dumb that I ignored what happened because this individual got me pregnant and I didn’t know how to react. I don’t know if it was a trauma response, trying to regain control or not wanting to face the reality of what really happened. My ectopic pregnancy was a blessing in disguise because I never wanted any of this. I remember looking at the doctor and I told her firmly “take both tubes out. I don’t ever want this to ever happen again.” That was my final way of taking control back despite my internal and external scars.

I may not have control over what others do but I am slowly learning how to take back my power despite the amount of times I have encountered others trying to control me. This isn’t an isolated event, but a very impactful one given the circumstances.