Childless Woman

Lately I have been thinking of my dad. I think part of it is because of the people I meet, what is said and not said. I’ve met people that talk about how they want to have a family or ones that are already established. Both are amazing to want and to have. However, I am in a different category. I can’t and don’t want children for various reasons.

I think about how my very existence disgusted my father. He wrote me a few letters stating how he wished I was never born or I wasn’t his child. I was about 12-13 years old when he would write me letters of disgust towards me. He also stated once that he felt anger that everyone but him received money to have me. He was referring to my mom and my different foster homes. Actually, one of my foster mom’s did a similar thing. I was about 16 years old walking past her office and I over her talking to someone on the phone. She stated, “I need more foster kids I am making a lot of money.” I never told her even to this day that I overheard what she said.

I think about how my sisters weaponized their children against me continuously. I missed out on their lives to no fault of my own. I try to give myself grace knowing that I am the youngest and I was just a child when my sisters were having kids of their own. Our personal relation was already rocky and unstable. Adding kids to the mix made things even harder and more traumatizing for me. I don’t think those kids know how much unconditional love I had/have for them.

I was being emotionally and mentally abused by my father, experiencing homelessness, going to a shelter and then into the foster care system due to my dad’s inability to be a father and love me. To all my nieces and nephews, I am so sorry that I couldn’t and haven’t been able to be there in the capacity that you needed me. I was suffering too. I am still continuously working through the pain as I know you are too.