Inner Child

You know the other day I wrote in excitement about how my older sister has possibly changed. Well, I am not going to shame or feel dumb for falling for it. What I wrote was sincere, passionate, hopeful and full of acceptance and love. The other day my nephew called me for the first time concerned about his mom (my sister). He told me what was happening and I drove to them without a second thought.

This is what I found out from a few different family members about my sister’s current state of mind. She has not ever been to therapy, she does still drink, smokes, and apparently does take pills not as prescribed. She also is losing any form of connection with all her kids. My niece and I sat down for a while and she told me some horrifying things she is saying and doing while also showing me pictures.

Then I spoke to the kid’s dad, and he is fed up with her as well. I don’t blame any of them. My sister has never been “right” in the head for as long as I could remember. Despite all the chaos I am grateful that my nieces and nephews are learning that maybe I am not as bad as I was portrayed to be. It does break my heart that this has and continues to have such a negative impact on all of us.

A few days ago, when I had hope, she was starting to change. I realize that was my inner child coming out that desperately wanted my older sister to be better. Just as her kids had felt previously about her as a mother. All of us wanted to believe in her but time after time she has failed to show any true remorse for what she has continued to do which is psychologically mind fuck us.

So, I am here to say if you have someone you love and you feel dumb for having continuous hope in them, don’t feel dumb. It shows that you are compassionate, loving, accepting and sometimes just authentically wanting that connection. There is nothing stupid or shameful about feeling any of those feelings even if it is hard to come to terms with. I am saying this because I know that my nieces and nephews are feeling similar feelings that I do and I don’t ever want them to feel shame for what they were born into just like I was.