JhonRae's Blog

I’ve been struggling for months now and last night I had my cat Kitty visit me in my dream. She laid right next to me and we cuddled. I could hear, feel and smell her like she was next to me. I just sobbed while holding her and then I woke up with tears running down my face. I like to believe she came to comfort me in a time that I’ve been struggling with suicidal ideation. Also, the last few days prior to the dream I’ve had other things that could have been a sign that even my mom is telling me she is with me. Friday, Kiss from a Rose was the first song that played when I got home. Then Saturday I was at a restaurant in such a bad mood, but someone kept calling the name Linda. Linda was my mother’s name. Admittingly, I have been struggling with darker thoughts that seem to consume me more and more. I like to believe these are signs to let me know to keep moving on and don’t give up. I don’t understand what lessons I am supposed to learn in all this. I feel every emotion possible a...

I don’t need to hide from my past or eliminate my “baggage” to make someone else feel comfortable. I know who I am. I don’t need to be younger to prove my worth or to “fit” a mold or an idea. I don’t need to be able to bare children to pass down what I have learned. I want and deserve to be the imagined version that doesn’t have limitations, history, age, or difficult realities. Underneath it all is the lack of capacity to be curious, compassionate, and understanding. Whether it was intentional or unintentional. All that being said, any women feeling like you are not enough; I am here to say you are.

I needed words of affirmation. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to hear “I’m sorry” without excuses. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to see accountability without projection. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to see initiative to build safety and trust. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to be heard without pushing back. You spoke to my wounds. I needed validation to feel accepted. You spoke to my wounds. I needed empathy without judgement. You spoke to my wounds. I needed to hear you. Instead, I experienced defensiveness. You spoke to my wounds. My internal experiences are no one else’s to bare but my own. What wounds do you carry?  

To build a healthy foundation for any relationship such as family, friends or romance you need open communication, trust, mutual respect and the ability to build emotional safety. Open communication is about sharing thoughts and feelings without the fear of judgement. Trust is to have faith that individual is honest and sincere with their intentions and has your back. Mutual respect is setting boundaries, supporting each other’s opinions and perspectives while honoring and working through differences. Emotional safety is becoming vulnerable by opening up about fears, mistakes, rejection, judgement, stigma, and past hurt. As I continuously reflect on who I am and what I want in life I realize I don’t always apply these qualities to myself. I’ve lost faith in who I want to be. Lost trust in my abilities to overcome certain challenges. Rejecting different aspects of myself, and judging my past, present and future self. All parts of self-doubt that can be all consuming. I haven’t built...

 The other day a friend and I were talking about grief, expressing how each of us has processed emotions pertaining to loss. They stated, “I wish I could have done more.” I without a second thought said, “you did what you knew and that’s everything.” As the day past, I realized it was so easy for me to give them more grace than what I could ever give myself. I have been so hard on myself when it comes to all that I have lost throughout the years. I truly never gave myself as much love, compassion, empathy and grace for each of the losses I’ve experienced. I always had doubts that crept up taking away from the true authentic connection I had with each individual or creature. I was so focused on the “what if’s or could be’s.” I couldn’t see past the doubt to realize I did all that I knew in those moments and that was everything.

I exist in many forms. I am all at once all the things that have been said. I am all the things that I’ve experienced past, present and future. I am. I am the very being that is inside of me. While I am all of everyone and thing. I am unknown and unseen. Yet, I am known and seen. I am. I am a passing thought. I am memory. I am perceived in ways I will never experience. However, I experience. I am.

This will be my 3 rd post in one day because I apparently have a lot I want to say. I just got back from a walk and reflected as I usually do. I was mostly thinking about epilepsy and how it has impacted my life and so many. I recently learned that someone I knew passed away from complications due to epilepsy. I hate that they ended up being a statistic of SUDEP. Something that I have feared for myself.   August 14th, 2026, Remembering a soul that was kind, giving, creative and wanted to be accepted. To honor and help them pass to the other side learn to make a paper crane. That was their specialty and something they were passionate about.