JhonRae's Blog

I've been dealing with horrific rash the last month or more. When it first appeared it was on my left arm with no symptoms of itching or burning. I went to see my neurologist to see if it was Keppra that I just started on for my seizures and she said it looked like contact dermatitis  and then she upped my dose; oh wow did things get worse for me. I went to the ER many times, saw many doctors and specialist to figure out what was wrong. I even got a biopsy done on my skin. For the longest time everyone was telling me it was contact dermatitis and that its something in my environment. So, I eliminated any dyes, perfumes, harsh soaps or chemicals and nothing was getting better. Once again went to the doctors office and they gave me all the allergy medicine one could get and it only relieved my symptoms a little but never fixed it. I even took oral and topical steroids for awhile. I thought maybe it was scabies, bed bugs, fleas......I had a exterminator come out to check my house f...

I thought for along time if I should even write to you. In my head I just wanted to lash out and tell you all the bad things you are to me; I won’t ever because I’m better than that. Rather I will explain to you that my success in life has nothing to do with you; never has or will.  I have grown in many aspects you will never have the pleasure to see or know. I surrounded my life with people that are caring, compassionate, loving and understanding. This was what I’ve been looking for since my mother passed away. I tried to find these characteristics in you that seem to be absent. I always wonder why their was so much hate in your heart? You’re the only one that can answer that and I am sure you’ll keep that to yourself to the day you die. I try to send hate the other way because all it does is cause harm to yourself or to others around you; but I suppose you don’t see that do you? Did you ever think at one point where your life was heading? Do you not care and stroll on by? When...

You have been a inconvenience to my life so far. I don't appreciate you being apart of my every day being. If I could I would say goodbye too you, but since that's not the case I will accept you as you are. I will learn to grow and understand you're purpose for being apart of me. I will dedicate time and effort into you, though you may not do the same for me. You come and go as you please and it's frustrating to say the least. So, from here on out I wont fight or ignore you're truth, I will learn compassion and patience. Because I realize ignoring you're truth or existence wont help me grow and understand you. Seizures, I now see you for what you are. 

Today I saw my counselor and of course I talked passed the usually time. To be honest I think she lets me ramble on about whats in my heart, if she didn't I just might explode 😉. Right now I feel emotional because of the realization that I am unable to hear my mothers replies. You know losing a loved one never gets easy but the only thing that changes is how you choose to cope with it. I choose to say see you later and we will catch up in the next life instead of saying goodbye. Saying goodbye is to official for me and to be honest I will never be ready to say it to her even after all these years. So, the next best thing is to keep on keeping on for her and of course myself. I strive everyday to live my life to the fullest I deserve and to what she would be proud of. What it means to keep moving on is to know what I see isn't the full picture and that I will keep faith that there is more to life itself. We tend to forget we are not the center of the universe and there is mor...

Don't forget to be compassionate for you're self, this world can be exhausting for one reason or another. It's okay to step back and take breaks if needed. Here are some things to keep in mind when you're feeling lost. Having compassion Being humble to self and others knowing you're human You are perfectly imperfect they way you are You have the power to define who you are and want to be Love you're self in the past, present and future Listen closely to what you are feeling and saying Hold you're hand as you would to ones that are closes to you Trust in what you are Lastly, but not least enjoy the gifts of life

Brandon, You have not only put joy in my every day life but filled it with hope; hope of a beautiful future. I am confident in our future together because we let our love expand to the deepest part of our being. We realize that we are only human and humble ourselves so we don't become blinded by lies. I believe our love is one of a kind and I am grateful for that. I'm grateful for the experiences we have even the challenges that creep upon us. I wouldn't ask for a better partner than you to conquer the world together as one. You are truly amazing to me and I will let that be known every day even on the days you don't hear my voice. My love for you has a special language of it's own that only you would know and understand.  Thank you for sharing you're life with me as I am pleased with what you have to offer.  Loving you to the ends of the Universe.

Tonight didn't go as expected, I feel pain not because of what someone did but more about reminding me of my past. What I had to endure I don't wish on anyone even my worst enemy. I visibly was upset and hurt by a persons actions today, but they selfishly decided to not care and deal with the situation in a immature manner to say the least. I can say I don't tolerate bullies; I dealt with all kinds of bullies and there is no exception in this case. I'm sick of the lack of empathy people have. When did this world become so cruel? When did we stop caring for each other? Why don't we own up to our mistakes instead of accusing or putting others down to make ourselves  look/feel better? I never understood how putting someone else down could make you feel better or in control? Maybe because I don't lack empathy.....Is it a curse to care in this day in age? Maybe people never truly cared from the start. Maybe grown ups told us to many lies to "protect" us fro...

Dear friends, You're beautiful  to me not because of physical aspects but rather the uniqueness you bring into my life. In the past year or so I have met some wonderful people with colorful backgrounds of their own. I want to say that each one could never replace another for the fact that each individual brings joy to my life for many different reasons. My life is uniquely surrounded by the friends that are fun, compassionate, goofy, courageous, powerful, and striving to be the best version they can be. Life will bring you plenty of hurdles but remember friends you have the choice to be happy and no one can make that choice for you. I had or have my own hurdles to over come but I have chosen to be happy despite of the hurdles that come my way. I want you to know that you are stronger than you realize and that I am rooting for you to the finish line! Don't give in to the world it can be so deceiving and miss leading. I am here to hopefully show you the way to self-love and t...

In order to feel a true sense of belonging you need to bring you're true self to the surface. To do this you need to practice self-love. Self-love is all about accepting all that you are in the moment and for the future to come. What I started to realize is that if you don't practice self-love or acceptance of self, the relationships you form are based off of what others think of you vs yourself. When I am out having fun; I'm enjoying myself. I'm enjoying the freedom of not giving a damn, expressing all that I want to in the moment. I am enjoying the life that I bring to myself and others and not letting anyone choose what I should enjoy. I know when I have a connection with some one it's real and that I am bring my best foot forward. I don't feel the need to filter who I am. I know now that I enjoy life because I am on a mission of self-love and acceptance. I am internally free from self-hatred and doubt for the most part. Reason I say for the most part is ...

Special  Ed wasn't a title I owed up too in my earlier years. I would always try to hide the fact that this title hung on me like the plague. No matter where I went, it went. It's hard enough to find who you are with out being put into a bucket. I wanted so badly to be "normal" like everyone else? Well, that never happened. What actually happened was the opposite; I started to embrace who I am and who I wanted to be. I owned up to my abilities and disabilities for a lack of a better word. Reason I started doing this is because I realized if I didn't own my shit, no one will. So, someone had too and that had to be me. I took the first steps of taking in all that I am and will be or could be. I owned up to my specialness and met it face to face. I think we fear ourselves the most often because we are afraid of others rejecting what we think is flawed. But really are we flawed or is it just illusion we are made to believe about ourselves? I like to think it's...

This is what I noticed going Gluten. Going Gluten I thought would be fun because I would have more options for food sources, but let's be real here....was I really eating food?  It only took me a few days to realize what I was eating was junk essentially. This so called food didn't give me any nutritional value, gave me heart burn, bloating, cravings, excess water weight and feeling sluggish a bit. Nothing but a burden to say the least. So, why so many of us are going back for more? If this is really what is happening  (not to mention other side effects that I didn't include) why can't we see what is happening? My theory is that most processed foods are highly addictive and that we forget how something tastes vs how it made or bodies feel. It's like we are remembering how the food made us feel at the moment then valuing the nutritional aspect of it. Chinese food at the Golden Inn was disappointing.... Being to salty Too greasy Flavorless no nutritional value ...