Change of Heart

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Today, I cried again thinking about Kitty and how she died and that she isn’t with me in the way I want her to be. I scrolled through pictures of Kitty and Bruno and just sobbed. I think it’s been over 6 months now and I am still grieving. I get flashbacks that keep haunting me. I have keep reminding myself I did what I could for her. Then I feel bad I left Bruno. I just want to hug him tightly for my comfort because he would rather play. Then later today I decided to message to see if I could see him while I was in town.

My ex declined but wasn’t rude about it by any means. However, I am confused because last time he stated, “I am not here to gatekeep you from seeing him.” My mind is racing about why he changed his mind. I keep thinking about what I did to provoke this change. Is it because I asked to stop by to say hi to him and Bruno? Is it because the last time he saw me he thought he could handle seeing me? Did I say something wrong? All I could do is say “thank you.” Panic started to settle in.

I am trying to understand him and why he seemingly changed his mind. This is part of the problem he didn’t communicate with me, there was an issue. All I knew was what he stated last time I saw him. I understand that things change and maybe he knows that I saw his pain and that’s what triggered him to change his mind. I am trying to stay positive in the current life circumstances I am in. It does hurt knowing I can’t see Bruno when I come into town and that I am trying to find my own grounding in my new life. Maybe someday all this will make sense.

 

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