A Shameful Interview

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 Today was the most embarrassing interviews I’ve ever experienced. It had everything to do with me. My thoughts were scrambled, I word vomited to the point I couldn’t fully express myself and my body was shaking. Just before the interview I tried so hard to prepare myself but the moment she came online I started to panic. I couldn't stop it. It was so bad that she said, “I am not hiring now but if you are still looking, I can reach out to you in 6 months.” Honestly, I had nothing to lose at that point, so I asked her why she interviewed me. She said, “I just realized today I don’t have the capacity to hire new people.” Though I knew this was just a “nice and professional” way to say she wanted nothing to do with me.

Honestly, I don’t blame her. I know that I bombed that interview. After being rejected one after another it gets to your head. Prior to this interview I continuously hear “once you get more experience we would love for you to interview again.” It is truly getting to myself esteem and self-worth. My question is how does one get experience if you are not willing to give them a chance to experience?

After this morning, I knew I needed to get therapy and made an appointment for this evening because I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I don’t know if life is truly my home or if it ever was. I cry nearly every day, feel immense shame, disappointment, hopelessness, and feel that it’s easier to sell my body than it is to convince someone that I am competent and capable of doing the very thing I went to school for.

I think I want to open that door.

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